


Couples' Therapy

by blackhighheels



Series: For they know now what they do [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff and Humor, Lack of Communication, M/M, Nonverbal Communication, Therapy, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:28:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22092574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackhighheels/pseuds/blackhighheels
Summary: To address their issues Brooke and Vanjie start couples' therapy...
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Series: For they know now what they do [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1596028
Comments: 162
Kudos: 109





	1. Mommy dearest

**Author's Note:**

> This is a kind of sequel to "For they know not what they do".
> 
> Actually it's just a way for me to have fun with this idea of therapy and Branjie combined ;) I am not sure however how much sense some parts make, if you don't know the the first part.

**Chapter 1: Mommy Dearest**

"Hey, you look nothing like Dr. Phil, mama," Jose greets their therapist when they walk into her office. His charm is coming across and it hits Brock once again how incredibly charismatic his boyfriend is, even when he is nervous.

"I'd hope so," the small blonde woman replies, with an amused smile on her face. "My name is Dr. Bernard, but you can call me Laurie. Most of my clients do."

"I'm Brock," he introduces himself as they shake hands.

"Jose." Another handshake, then they both take the offered seats on a couch opposite the chair where the therapist sits down.

"I hope traffic wasn't too bad and you found my office alright."

"It was fine," Brock replies politely.

"It was the usual rush hour nightmare, bitch, that's why you made us leave an hour earlier than necessary and we been hanging out at Starbucks round the corner for the last forty minutes," Jose snorts with amusement, teasing Brock. He, however doesn't find it too funny and gives the therapist an apologetic look. This is just about a bit of small talk and not about recounting every detail of their drive.

"Still fine. We got here on time, found everything alright."

"I'm glad you're here," Laurie intervened. "So, how can I help you?

"We here for the couple's counselling therapy stuff. We thought maybe you could fix us so we won't break up again. 'Cause it fucking sucked." Jose mumbles more than he speaks, the longer he talks.

"Is this your first time in therapy?"

"Yes," Brock nods.

"No," Jose says at the same time.

"You've been to couples therapy before?" Brock is more than surprised.

"Huh? No, no. Not Couple therapy. Just therapy. Feels like I spent most of my damn time at school in some sort of therapy." That is also news to Brock, but he decides not to get into that here. He will just ask him once they are back home. Jose looks really uncomfortable and shy now, so he'll need a moment anyway.

"So, seeing as neither of you has been to couples therapy before, I think we should start with the basics, so you can decide, if you want to really do this. First, everything you say is absolutely confidential. I understand that the both of you are in showbiz, so I want to point that out that this is a safe place." They both nod and Brock feels himself relax a bit, even though the whole thing still makes him anxious. The fact that Jose is so unusually quiet and shy forces him to remain calm though. They can't both lose it.

"As for the rest, I will usually give you some sort of homework. And I also want to point out that therapy only works if you are honest, but also respectful with each other. So, no yelling, no insultsor threats."

"You did good when you researched the shit for our big talk, boo" Jose whispers, meaning Laurie can still hear it. Brock just smiles at him when he feels his hand slide into his at the same time.

"Also, I don't know if that's an issue here, but no drugs or alcohol while your are here. I know these talks can be tricky, but I can't really work with you if you are under the influence." They both nod, knowing that this wouldn't be an issue for either of them.

"Soo, shall we start?" Laurie smiles and grabs a notepad from the table. Brock feels Jose tightening his grip on his hand. "How about you tell me a bit about yourself and the relationship? Brock, why don't you start?"

He takes a calming breath before he starts to talk and laces his fingers through Jo's to make the physical connection tighter.

"Uhm, we're both working as drag queens and met while filming Drag race. We got together in front of the camera's and then dated for a while afterwards. After couple of months we broke up, because it wasn't working for either of us. But, like…. we remained friends. At some point I moved here to L.A. and Jo moved in with me for logistical reasons. We became closer again and finally got back together. We're here now so the issues we had back then won't break us up again." It is the best he can do for now. He knows it is a very brief version and a lot of details are missing, but he doesn't know this woman yet. And the fact that she's taking notes doesn't make it any easier.

"Jose?"

"Uuhm… what he said. I agree," he mumbles. Brock gets the impression that if he could, Jose would hide behind him or underneath the table. Brock has rarely seen him this shy and intimidated. Where is Miss Vanjie when he needs her?

"Can you still tell me your own version of events?" Laurie's smile is friendly and open. Brock really likes her. She reminds him of his best friend in South Africa.

"You a Emeli Sande fan?" Jose asks, suddenly a bit more himself. The therapist just laughs and looks expectantly at him. "So, uhh… I fucked up the first time I was on Drag Race, but then became a meme and they called me back for another season. He was on there as well. We started jokin' and flirtin' from the get go and then suddenly we were kissing. We couldn't talk for shit or do anything more, 'cause of the cameras. He kicked me out by winning the lip-sync against me and Miss Vanjie had to go home for a second time. Once he was done filmin' we spent some time together and dated for 18 weeks. Then we broke up, cause he wanted his freedom and my clingy ass was travelin' all the time because of season 10. After filming the reunion and the finale and all that shit we went on tour and started hanging out again. Then started doing more than hanging out." Brock does a double take when Jose actually blushes.

"Were you back together or were you just having sex?" the therapist asks.

"We were just hooking up. I knew he didn't want me back, but I couldn't stay away. I mean, look at him, he cute right?" Jose smiles and slowly relaxes. "We lost contact after the tour for a while, then bumped into each other. And again, I couldn't resist him. But, uhm, he… did what he did and I dated someone else and then after the break-up he asked me if I wanna join him in his house to look after the kitty cats and 'cause I was looking for a new apartment. And then… yeah… we started talking, started flirting, started hooking up again and then got back together. And now, couple of weeks later, here we are."

"Thank you for sharing that with me, both of you. That was very interesting. If each of you could name one thing that you think is the biggest problem in your relationship, what would it be?"

"I start again?" Brock wonders.

"Whoever wants to go first."

"I'm fucking scared all the time," Jose suddenly blurts out and Brock's head whips around to face him, mouth hanging open.

"What?" he gasps. He is truly shocked by Jose's choice of words. Why is he scared? Not of him, right? And why all the time? What is going on?

"What are you scared of?" Laurie speaks out loud what Brock also wants to know, but she is a lot less panicked than he feels.

"One of us gonna fuck up. He gonna leave. We gonna fight again and I'm gonna get so fucking mad I wanna hit him again," Jose takes his hand back and leans forward, both arms resting against his thighs, head hanging down. "Me being too much. He wanting his freedom again." He shrugs but doesn't look up.

"So, is it ok to say you'd think 'trust' is an issue? Trust in the relationship and in your partner? Maybe in yourself?"

"Yeah," Jose nods and finally raises his head. Brock reaches over and rubs his back encouragingly. The slow movement calms him as much as his boyfriend.

"Brock, what do you think?"

"I agree," he says and takes his eyes off Jose to look at the therapist. "Although I think that the reason why we have trust issues is because of our communication problems."

"Yeah, boo, we really suck at it most of the time." Jose's hand is back in his, gives it an encouraging squeeze.

"Do you think you don't communicate well because you don't trust each other, or you don't trust each other because you don't communicate adequately?" Jose looks at him helplessly and Brock gets that he doesn't understand the last word, but doesn't want to ask.

"I think either, both. I don't like talking about hard things, it gives me anxiety. But if I have to talk to someone, I know I can talk to him, better than to anyone else. Just when it's about us, it gets hard. He doesn't trust me being committed to the relationship or him. But he usually tries to communicate with me. I just don't always wanna talk to hear it." He doesn't really know how to explain it. It's like a vicious circle and he doesn't really know where it starts or ends. It's like the question with the hen and the egg.

"Jose, you agree?"

"Yeah, sounds right."

"Ok, then I think we should stop here for today and I'm going to give you your homework for next time. Do you have any questions before then?"

"We not gonna get graded, right?" it bursts out of Jose and Brock has to laugh. The panic on his boyfriend's face about possible grades is simply too cute.

"No, you won't," Dr. Bernard smiles as well. "Any other questions?"

"Actually, Doc, I think I do," Jose says and surprises Brock once again. "I think maybe you could help us with a real communication issue we having right now." Brock groans loudly, because he suddenly knows what's coming.

"Jo, this is really not Dr…" he tries to stop him.

"No, it's ok. You can ask and I'll tell you if it's too much," he is stopped by the doctor.

"Imma be real quick," Jose is looking smug now and continues. "This morning we had a fight cause my man thinks it's my job to tell my mama and aunt that they shouldn't hang by the pool all the time and shouldn't come in with their own key whenever they like. Now, I know they're my family, problemo is, that he the one who gave them the key and he the one who said, and I quote 'You can come over any time'. What do you say to that, Dr. Laurie?"

"Why don't you want to be the one who talks to your mother?"

"She's gonna whoop my ass and think I don't want her no more. Also I don't care if they hang at our place."

"You do care! You're as annoyed as me," Brock interrupts.

"I am, but I told you before: _you_ fucked up. You fucked up when you gone and said Bienvenido and gave them the key, so you fix it, boo," Jose leans back against the couch.

"Why don't you talk to them together and explain that you need your privacy and agree beforehand on some rules for the use of the key?" The therapist proposes.

"She'll whoop both our asses!"

"Don't you always say that we're in this together, papi?" Brock laughs and bumps his shoulder against Jose's.

"You suck!" Jose huffs, but smiles.

"More questions? About the sessions? Anything?" the therapist asks again.

"Nope," Jose shakes his head this time and Brock does the same.

"Good, then I want to start with a small exercise for next week. I want each of you to write down three small things in your relationship that annoy you about the other one. And three small things you love about each other. For now I don't want you to talk about any of this at home, because we will talk about it here. Ok?"

"Dully noted," Jose nods as they both get up. With another handshake they leave the office and Brock takes a deep breath when they're outside. Although it wasn't as bad as he'd feared, he is still glad he has another week until they have to go back. If only the talk to his mother in law wouldn't await in between now and then…

**TBC**


	2. Annoyances and little love notes

**Chapter 2: Annoyances and little love notes**

"Hello, how are you doing?" Dr. Laurie smiles at them from her arm chair. Her hair is dyed dark red now and curled. Jose thinks that he liked the blonde better, but decided to keep his mouth shut about it.

"Good," Brock smiles, but as his boyfriend Jose knows that he is nervous and jittery and just hides it behind the wide smile. He gets the feeling that the good doctor is on to him as well.

"Doing good. Nervous, but good," Jose replies with more honesty.

"You really don't have to be nervous coming here. Just see it as a way to have an extended conversation about things that are important for you as a couple. And I am your guide through it. Alright?" They both nod. "So, how did your homework go?"

"It was hard, doctor Laurie. Brought me right back to school, but this one wouldn't let me copy the shit he wrote down, so I had to do it on my own."

"It's kind of the point that you do it on your own. I don't think the stuff that annoys me about you is the same stuff that annoys you about me," Brock points out and Jose knows he's right. "He tried peeking the whole time. I had to hide the list, so he wouldn't read it," Brock adds in direction of the therapist.

"I didn't wanna copy it, just get an idea what to write. What if I write stupid shit and you go all deep and intelligent. It ain't cute to be a dumb ho the second session already." Brock fixes him with an unnerved look that is a teeny tiny bit amused. "And I knew you hid the list in your red glittery pumps and still didn't look." Jose adds with a smirk.

"So, since it looks like you both managed to write something down, why don't we start? Jose, how about you start with the first thing on your annoyance list?"

"We're going to take turns?" Brock asks.

"Yes, that's best. And one more thing before I forget it: No comments or justifications when you hear what the other one says. Just listen."

"Ok, mama, here we go." Jose rubs his hands, then takes the folded piece of paper out of his jacket pocket with a lot of flourish. "The first thing that annoys me that I wrote down is that he can't clean up for shit. There's always stuff everywhere. Clean and dirty clothes in the bathroom, on the floor, the chair, the door… when he eats he puts the dirty plate in the sink instead of just putting it right into the dishwasher. His jacket ends up on the couch, his empty cigarette pack on the table, his whole lotion, cream stuff around the sink along with his hairbrush… I think you get what I'm saying," Jose stops his rant when he sees the small smile on the therapist's face. Brock remains silent but pouts a bit.

"Brock, just a one word answer: Do you think Jose has a point here?"

The pout gets more pronounced, but is followed by a sigh. "Yes." He admits.

"Jose, why does it upset you?"

"Why does it upset me that he a messy ho?" he asks just to be sure.

"Yes."

"'Cause I am not his maid! I mean, we have a maid but she only comes over once a week. So when we could be chillin' for once when we both home, all I do is clean up after him. And then we start fighting cause I'm complaining and he thinks I'm overreacting. When he home alone and I'm gone, the maid comes in the day before I get back, because, mama, the last time she didn't and I got back… Lord, it wasn't pretty. If my momma hadn't stopped me, I would have dumped all of his clothes into the pool, 'cause he just threw them all over the bed, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep without cleaning up his shit."

"I was in a hurry and…"

"Nuh-uh, you heard the good doctor. No excuses." Jose puts his hand up and interrupts him.

"So what did you do in the situation?" Laurie asks Jose.

"I slept in the guest room till I had to leave a day later. When he got back, he was home alone for like a week. If he wanted to sleep, he had to get his shit off the bed. Know what he did? Dumped everything on the armchair in the bedroom and dug through it when he needed to get dressed. I lost it first thing when I got back."

"Ok, thank you, Jose. Brock, what is the first thing on your list?"

"The first thing on my list is his constant yelling and also just being incredibly noisy all the time. And it's not only when we're watching a movie together at home and he's yelling at the tv. Also at the movies. It's a wonder we haven't been kicked out yet. But, yeah, most of all it annoys me at home when he's _so_ loud."

"Jose, you think he has a point?"

"Boo, there are moments when you love it when I'm loud," he chuckles and Brock rolls his eyes, a little smile tugging at his lips.

"One word answer, please," the therapist reminds him.

"Yes."

"Can you also explain a bit more why it upsets you, Brock?"

"One, I never really understand much in a movie or TV show because all I hear are his comments. That's when I'm actually watching with him. But also it's hard to be on the phone, talking business when he's constantly screaming obscenities at the tv because of some stupid reality tv show. Sometimes even when I'm asleep, I wake up because he's singing, well, screaming in the shower or because he decided he wants to play with the cats and runs around chasing them. Or our friend Silky comes over and they party. After travelling for fifteen hours, that's not really what you want to wake up to after just falling asleep."

"I said I was sorry. The bachelor was just really fucking up when picking the right girl," Jose mumbles and looks down to his feet, fiddles with a loose thread on his shorts. The moment when he woke up Brock three weeks ago and the fight afterwards was the actual reason why they finally made an appointment for the couples' therapy. Jose had rarely seen his boyfriend as angry as he had been back then. Yelling was more his thing and less Brock's, but that day Brock really lost it and had been so livid he'd slept in the guest room for three days.

"You'd woken me up already! Sorry didn't fix it." Brock bites back. His demeanour changes when Jose shrink back into the cushions of the sofa without looking up. "Sorry. I know you didn't mean to wake me up," he quickly says in a much softer tone and pulls Jose into his side. When Jose presses his forehead against Brock's shoulder, he presses a quick kiss to his hair and gives his shoulder a squeeze. Jose instantly feels better, looks up, kisses Brock's cheek and sits back up.

"My turn again?" he asks and looks at the therapist. She looks at them with curiosity written over her face, taking in every little detail of their interaction and then nods.

Jose is aware of Brock's arm around his shoulders when he reads out the next thing on his list. "Number two on my list is that he always has to be early to everything. Not just a couple of minutes, but like an hour or more."

"Brock?"

"It's true," he agrees without any protest.

"Why does it upset you?"

"It's so inconvenient. He's stressed and bitchin' before we leave, all anxious that we could be just a minute late. Then we get there, way too early. At the airport it's not that bad 'cause we can just get a coffee, but have you ever been an hour early to a club or show venue? Your dressing room ain't ready, nobody expects you there and you're just in the way. Once we had to wait in the freezing cold for half an hour because everything was still closed. All I'm saying is we could spend that time doing something more fun than just waiting. Your turn, boo." he nudges Brock's side when he is done.

"Funny you mention the 'being early' thing, because my next point on my list is that you're always late to everything." All three have to laugh about that.

"You making that up," Jose screeches and tries to glimpse at the list.

"I am not. Also, you know it's true," Brock holds his paper out of reach.

"Yes, it might be true… most of the time," Jose laughs.

"And it upsets me, because I think that job wise it's simply unprofessional. In private it's rude to make others wait for you all the time. And sometimes it's totally inconvenient, like, for example, when we go see a show and he's so late he basically misses the first half, then walks in and asks me, mid-show and drink in hand, what happened so he can follow. He'd know if he were ready on time for once."

"So, are you two usually early or late when you go somewhere together?" Laurie asks.

"We early when he thinks it's important enough to nag about it. Sometimes he gets annoyed and leaves without me and we just meet there. And if he doesn't really care where we going, like a birthday party or something, he lets me be late." Jose elaborates on the matter.

"Ok, then. Jose, your turn again."

"Alright, my last annoy-ment is that he's always half naked in his insta lives for no fucking reason. He sitting on the couch with the kitty cats and Riley, talking about merch or some shit and suddenly he just takes off his shirt and talks about his hairy nipples." Brock blushes and starts laughing quietly. "Stop laughing, bitch. It ain't funny when you wake up all the way in Europe and first thing you see is your boo's naked ass posted all over instagram, cause he posing in drag and didn't put on pants!" Jose swats his chest, when Brock is still giggling. It's not funny!

"Is that true?"

"Yes." Brock is still laughing.

"Go check out his insta account or watch his horrible lives and you know what I'm talking about, Dr. L! Totally slutty naked ho, that one."

"Why does that upset you?"

"Cause, you know, when you like single and looking for a new mans then I get that you posting sexy pics to reel them fish in. But we exclusive, he agreed and he still posting that shit. If he wantsto send sexy pics, send them to me in private and not to the thirsty ass hos on insta, who then go and tell my man how he so sexy and so hot and send him all the dick pics, that I know he's gonna look at. Makes me wonder if that's why he's posting that shit."

"Oh, Jo, no…" Brock starts, but is interrupted.

"Mama, when I was single the only reason why I posted half naked selfies was to get them dick pics and get some trade without going on grindr. And if I catch you with any of that, you'll be a dead sexy ho and single too!"

"Ok, let's not get into this right now. This is something we will talk about in depth at one of the next sessions. For now: Brock, your last point on the annoyance side, please."

"Ok, fine." Brock takes a deep breath and Jose knows Brock doesn't like leaving it this way either, but follows the lead of their therapist.

"My last thing is that Jose always speaks Spanish with the people closest to him, like his family or his drag mom, even some of his Puerto Rican friends, but he never teaches me any Spanish. All I know in Spanish I had to look up in the internet."

"Is that true?"

"Yeah, yes, it is," Jose agrees and is so surprised that his mouth hangs slightly open. It's not like he refused to teach him, he just never thought it was important.

"Can you elaborate on why that annoys you?"

"It's hard to follow a conversation when his mother or aunt are over because they mix English and Spanish. And from what I can tell, especially when the conversations get intense or emotional they switch more to Spanish and I'm out. Like, when we talked to your mom about the pool and key thing, she started yelling and later crying and both times I didn't really know anymore what was going on, because both of you were speaking Spanish. And then you started yelling and got really upset and sad and I had no clue what was being said. It sucks. But when I ask you about words I picked up during conversations once we're alone, you always brush it off, like it's not important. I just… I wish you would teach me so I can at least follow what's going on."

"You could also watch telenovelas with me and my mama," Jose smirks and takes Brock's hand.

"Won't happen. No way," Brock laughs and Jose feels the squeeze he gives his hand.

"Great, then before we come to the little things you love about each other, I want to give you your homework. I want you to exchange your lists at home and then offer solutions for the things on there. I'd advise to try and do it on your own at first. Once your have at least one idea for a solution for each problem, you sit down and discuss them. Next week we will then talk about what you have come up with and how that process went. Alright?"

"Sure," Brock agrees and Jose nods as well.

"Now, Brock, please go ahead with the first thing on your love list."

"Oooh, love list, I like that," Jose smiles and wiggles in his seat excitedly.

"First small thing that came to my mind that I love about you, is that you always make time for me, for us, no matter how busy you are. You always call, always pick up your phone, always reserve time for dates and just spending time together and make me do the same. I really appreciate that."

"Of course, boo," Jose shrugs and doesn't really think it's a big deal but only natural.

"Your turn. Tell me something nice," Brock teases him.

"I love how damn cute you are with our babies at home. Always caring for them and petting them, spoiling them when you think I can't see it. And when you talk to them it's so cute it makes my okapis explode," Jose gets very excited and basically yells the last part.

"You mean ovaries, papi, and I'm sorry to say but you don't have any," Brock is laughing again. At this point Dr. Laurie is also laughing so hard she snorts and they both turn to look at her.

"Sorry, sorry, don't mind me. Just keep going. Brock your turn," the doctor says when they both just keep looking at her. She wipes away her tears of laughter and tries to get a grip.

"The second thing I really love, are the small romantic things you always do. Making dinner look real nice and setting the table with candles or slipping little notes into my suitcases and then I find them when I unpack, wherever that is. Stuff like this. It always makes me happy because it shows that you really care and make an effort, even when you don't have to. It's so damn thoughtful and just so you."

"Aw, I know you're a secret romantic, honey," Jose squeezes Brock's cheek, before he sits back down. "My next thing on the list is that I looove what a great cuddler you are. Always holding me, pulling me close and touching me, because you know I like actions more than words."

"You're welcome," Brock grins and pulls Jose close again, by wrapping one arm around his waist. "Last but not least on my list is how much you make me laugh. I can have the worst fucking day or have an anxiety attack and you do or say something that makes me laugh so hard I cry and suddenly everything is better, lighter."

"I know my stupid ass Vanjie shit always makes you lose yours," Jose feels his cheeks grow hot at the compliment. He knows that Brock thinks he's funny, but he didn't know how much he appreciates it when he makes him laugh when he needs it.

"Jose?" Laurie reminds him that it's his turn again.

"Right," he tries to stop grinning like an idiot before he speaks. "I love that no matter how crazy I get, how angry, emotional… whatever, you always stay calm or hold me, stop me from doing crazy shit… you my rock," Jose sees Brock's eyes filling with tears when he hears the last sentence. Before they can fall however, Brock pulls him in for a short but sweet kiss. "Love you." Jose says when they pull back.

"Love you too," Brock replies quietly and only for his ears. Dr. Laurie is smiling when they pull back and turn towards her again.

"Ok, that's it for today. Thank you for your participation, honesty and trust. We will see each other next week and please remember your homework," she bids them goodbye and gets up.

"See you next week," they both reply and leave the office with their arms wrapped around each other.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: I knew I loved you**

"Considering what you told me so far, I think we should take a closer look at three things: Trust, communication and anxiety slash fear. If it's ok with you, I'd like to address anxiety and fear today, because we will need to take a look back and see where it's coming from." Dr. Laurie tells them after they talked about their homework. It had gone well and they both were surprised how easily they found solutions for the problems.

"Just hearing that is giving me anxiety," Brock mutters. A moment later Jose's hand comes to rest on his knee, as a simple reminder of support.

"All the more a reason to tackle it. Just imagine what a relief it is going to be when the anxiety is gone."

"Honestly, I can't imagine it. For as long as I can think I've dealt with it."

"You gonna be fine, toes." Jose encourages him, like always his biggest cheerleader. Brock covers the hand resting on his knee with his own and keeps it there.

"To ease into the heavier things, I think we should start with a small fun exercise. Knowing each other is the basis of every relationship and no matter how long a couple has been together, there are always things one doesn't know. So, I have this bowl here with questions. I want you to draw one paper each, then read aloud the question, that your partner then has to answer."

"Sounds good." Brock is relieved to get a bit more time before he has to face his issues head on. He reaches over to the small box the doctor holds out to them and picks a paper and waits until Jose does the same.

"Name one vice you have?" Jose reads slowly after unfolding his paper and wrinkles his forehead. "Who dat?" he looks at Brock.

"Like a weakness," he explains, knowing which word is causing trouble.

"Oooh, I know that one. I know what you gonna say." Jose is bouncing up and down in his seat with excitement.

"Smoking?" Brock replies slowly. Not because he is unsure of the answer, but because he knows his boyfriend's excitement will be gone as quickly as it has appeared, if he doesn't say what Jose thinks he will say.

"I knew it! That was too easy, Dr. Laurie! Can I get another?" Before she has time to reply he has already reached into the box, taken another paper and unfolded it. "What was I wearing when we first met?" he reads and then smiles. "Oooh, that's a good one, mama. No way you will get that one right."

"Which time?" Brock asks and feels a bit smug, just by asking that question.

"What do you mean which time? The first time."

"Yeah, but like seeing you from afar? That would be at a pageant when you were dancing for Alexis. I don't remember which pageant it was, but you were wearing black pants and a black top with some kind of white blue sparkles." He smirks when Jose's mouth falls open. "Or online? Like when we became Facebook friends? Back then you had a profile pic that showed you at the MAC store and you had a bit of stubble and wore just a bit of make up." Now Brock goes in the for the kill. "Or when we met at Drag Race, because that one is actually really easy, because it was the red dress with the blonde wig. And then later after we de-dragged you had glitter everywhere and wore a black shirt, black jeans, a leather jacket, andthe red…" he doesn't get any further, because Jose's lips are suddenly on his own and he is kissing him in a way that is totally inappropriate for where they are. He has to laugh and breaks the kiss, glancing at the therapist, who is just grinning.

"Fuuuck! You remember! And you think you're no romantic, toes. You a liar, that's what you are," Jose exclaims so loudly that Brock suspects he can be heard three houses down the road.

"What? I know you remember as well what I wore," he shrugs and refuses to make a big deal out of it.

"You bet I do!" Jose proclaims proudly.

"My turn," Brock interrupts before Jose can go on to list every outfit he ever wore.

"Name one song that reminds you of me or our relationship."

"Only one?"

"Only one, that's what the paper says." Brock confirms. "And please, try to NOT make it a Rihanna song," he adds.

"Hey, don't fuck with Ri-Ri! You know 'Rude boy' would kinda be it right now," Jose cackles and Brock rolls his eyes. "Uhm, you remember that one song I posted?" he becomes serious.

"That doesn't really narrow it down. You post songs every day."

"The one I posted with that picture of us at the show when we were together the first time? The post that the network made me take down and I got in deep shit for because no one was supposed to know we were together? That one always makes me think of you or us. But, fuck,I don't remember the name."

"Oh, what was it?" Brock wonders. "I know they had another song called Truly, Madly Deeply."

"Savage Garden," the therapist supplies.

"Thank you, doctor Laurie, that's it!" Jose gets excited again. "Savage Garden and the song is 'I knew I loved you'. I was listening to some love-song playlist and the song came up while I was touring and it made me think of you. And then I tried callin' but you didn't pick up the phone and then I posted the pic and then the network called me to whoop my ass. Mama, I thought they'd murder me through the phone," he recounts.

"I remember the mess with the network and I remember the picture, but I don't know the song. I just remember the small info in the picture, because someone taggeded me on insta."

"You didn't listen to it when I posted it?"

"You'd taken it down before I could. I only know of this because of the whole network mess."

"Jose, do you want to play it for him?" the therapist proposes.

"Now?"

"Why not? If you want to."

"Sure, let me just…" he fiddles with his phone and after some car commercial on youtube the song starts playing. Brock faintly remembers it from the radio, but has never really payed attention.

"I dreamed you into life and a thousand angels dance around you?" Brock can't help but snort once the song is over.

"It sweet and romantic!" Jose insists.

"It's cheesy and tooth rotting-fluff!" Brock laughs.

"Don't mock my song, jerk," Jose slaps his arm, but Brock knows he's not really angry. "What song would you ho choose for us? 'Pony' by Ginuwine? 'Let's get it on' by Marvin Gaye? Or the classic Candy shop?" Jose is on a roll now, but Brock can't stop him, because he's laughing so hard.

"'If you're horny let's do it, ride it, my pony. My saddle's waiting, come and jump on it'," Brock presses out. "Are you serious? That's your idea of our pillow talk?" Now all three of them are in stitches; even Jose is laughing so hard he can't continue his rant.

"Oh my god. You two made me laugh so hard I cried for the second time in a row," the therapist points out and wipes away her tears.

"Welcome to my world." Brock is still chuckling, but slowly gets himself under control.

"So, mama, spit it out. What song do you pick?" Jose, of course, doesn't let it go. Brock thinks about it for a moment and when the solution presents itself rather quickly, because he has thought about this before, because there are songs that remind him of Jose, he suddenly gets nervous. "What is it? You don't have to tell me, you know," Jose offers, obviously picking up on his sudden anxiety.

"No, it's just… you know, back when we first got together or when we broke up and then started hooking up again, there was one song that hit home for me. I always turned the radio off or skipped it on spotify," he admits.

"Which one?" Jose asks quietly and seems to brace himself.

"'Too good at goodbyes', Sam Smith." Again Jose wrinkled his forehead and tries to remember the song.

"Can you play it for us?" Laurie encourages him and Brock does.

"Oh," is all Jose says when the song is over. "Walked out a lot back then to do all the shows fucking everywhere." He doesn't look at him and the laughter from a minute ago seems light years away.

"But, uhh, if I had to pick a song now, and this is going to be very cheesy, I'd pickBeyonce's 'Halo'," he admits and isn't embarrassed at all, knowing he'd do anything to make the pain in Jose's eyes go away. And then suddenly Jose smiles brightly, his eyes crinkling at corners and his dimples showing.

"What did you smoke that you can see my halo?" Jose asks with his usual sass, but kisses him softly.

"Ok, then let's continue. You're still okay with talking about fears and anxiety?" the therapist bursts their love bubble.

"Yes," Brock sighs, knowing they have to talk about it sooner or later. Jose nods as well.

"Which of you wants to start?"

"Can I? Before I lose my courage and have an anxiety attack about talking about my anxiety?" Brock asks. Jose's hand is back in his, gripping it tightly once more.

"So, Brock, what are the things that make you anxious?"

"Everything and nothing? Like, really, it can be anything. A doctor's appointment, flying, talking about things I don't want to talk about, thinking about a possible illness,fear of failing at something, strangers… you name it," he shrugs.

"How about meeting strangers at meet and greets? Does that make you anxious?"

"Not really. Before, yes, sometimes, because I worry that everything runs smoothly. But I don't mind the pictures and small talk then, no."

"Can you describe a situation where strangers made you anxious?"

"My brother's birthday party," Jose provides immediately, even though Brock never really admitted to having an anxiety attack linked to this party. He knows the surprise shows on his face.

"Uhm, Jose's brother celebrated his birthday and we were both invited. Because we had to work we couldn't make it to the family part of it and we were supposed to just join him and his friends for dinner and a night out. But then Jose's flight was delayed and like, the thought of going there on my own… I just, I couldn't do it. Beside his brother I didn't know anyone and they're all so much younger and it's not like we hang out with his brother that much… and I just, like, there was no way. So I called him and told him that I'd wait for Jose and the join them… he didn't want that, wanted me there for dinner. I was freaking out."

"How did that manifest?"

"I was nauseous, sweating, nervous. Like, all I wanted to do was hide in bed until it was all over."

"Ok, what happened then?"

"Jose had changed flights and hadn't told me. He came home in time and we went together."

"From your reaction I gathered you didn't tell Jose about your anxiety. But, Jose, you still knew, right?"

"I get home and he pacing in the living room, whiter than my teeth, all jittery and with eyes so large I thought he'd popped some pills. That's when I knew he was freaking out." Jose just shrugs, like it's nothing that he can tell Brock's moods just by looking at him.

"What did you do then to make him go to the party with you?"

"Nothin'." Another shrug of the shoulders. "I kissed him hello like I always do, told him about the horrible flight and made the shit funny, then took him by the hand and pushed him into the uber."

"I felt better as soon as he walked in and I knew I wouldn't be alone with all these strangers."

"Would you have gone on your own?"

"I don't know. Maybe… I don't… I really can't say for sure."

"What did you fear would happen, if you went there alone?"

"I would just sit there like an idiot, not knowing what to say and who to talk to? People wouldn't like me? What if they did something I didn't like? Like drink and drive or get into some sort of physical altercation. They're not exactly choir boys."

"It seems like what makes you anxious are two things: Fear of rejection and the fear of losing control of a situation." Laurie rephrases what she just heard.

"Yeah, I guess. Maybe that's why meet and greets are ok, because I control the situation and I know people like me."

"Would you say you faced a lot of rejection on your life?"

"As a kid, yeah. I wasn't really popular. Got bullied really bad. And, like, my parents didn't know I was gay, but I knew that being gay wasn't acceptable because they were really religious. It was something shameful and bad and even once they knew it took a while for them to really accept me."

"How about lack of control?"

"I had no control over anything. There were rules for everything: The music I was allowed to listen to, the movies I watched, the friends I was allowed to have… church and religion controlled every aspect of my life and I didn't even believe in any of it, because I knew I was gay and therefor living a lie." Brock fights hard against the tears, but a couple of them win. It's Jose who gently wipes them away with his thumb. He also leans into Brock's side to show his support. They are as close as they can be without sitting on each other's lap.

"It might be necessary to talk about this some more, maybe even in a session alone, but for now what I want you to do when you feel yourself getting anxious is that you ask yourself what you really fear. Lack of control or lack or rejection. Maybe you'll find something else, too. And when you figured out what it is, I want you to take a step further and think about what would happen if you lost control or if the rejection happened."

"How?" He can't really follow.

"Let's stick with the birthday party. Let's say you got there and no one would have talked to you. What would have happened then?"

"I guess Jo's brother would have made an effort? Or I would have had dinner and then made an excuse and left? Or simply listened until Jo got there?"

"Does any of these scenarios sound like something you would be scared of?"

"Not really." He admits.

"What about his fear of flying? He'll kill himself one day with the Xanax he pops all the time," Jose speaks up even though Brock wishes he hadn't.

"Ok, before we continue with the exercise: I didn't know you were on Xanax," the therapist says.

"I was treated for anxiety and panic attacks before and they prescribed Xanax."

"But you said you haven't been to therapy before, right?"

"It wasn't like real therapy. I was given the pills, it got better and that was it. To be honest, I didn't really want to talk back then. I was dealing with depression as well and was not in a good place."

"Taking Xanax is a way to treat the symptoms, but it doesn't cure anything. And it's highly addictive, that feeling of numbness and relaxation. If you are up for it, we can try other things, that are less dangerous and might actually help with the cause for the anxiety."

"That sounds really good, but also really scary," he admits, glad that Jose is still leaning into him. The weight and warmth of his body is what keeps him calm.

"There is no quick fix, but I think you can do it. It looks like in some situation you already found a way of coping without realising it."

"Like what?"

"Like when Jose came home and calmed you down and distracted you. None of the reasons for your original fear had changed, but you were still calming down and went to the party."

"True. I never thought about that," he admits and smiles.

"So I'm your drug now?" Jose laughs and pinches his side.

"Yeah, but something opposite of Xanax. There's no way you numb any kind of emotion," Brock chuckles and feels so much better already.

"Call me cocaine, baby." Vanjie is back in the house.

"If you want to we can make an appointment to look more closely at these things," the doctor offers once they all finished laughing.

"I'd like that," Brock nods. "Can Jose come though? Just in case I need it?"

"If it helps you showing up, then yes, absolutely." She agrees and suddenly Brock doesn't dread it as much. "Speaking of Jose: Your turn," Laurie continues and as quickly as she had arrived, Vanjie leaves again. Jose deflates, becomes small and timid, the grip of his hand desperate.

"I don't take Xanax," he mutters, trying to bullshit his way out of the conversation.

"Last time you said you're scared all the time, mainly scared of loss and rejection. Have you experienced that before?"

"Yeah." Then there is silence.

"Why don't you tell us about it?"

"Lost my dad, couple of step-dad's, friends when we moved. Friends who fucked me up cause I wasn't a tough guy. Then I got in trouble all the time and was bad news for a while, so I lost some more friends. When I told my mama I was gay she already knew, but some in my family didn't like me no more. Got beat up at school for it. When I started dancing for drag queens I embarrassed, like, the men in my family. Even, like, my brother didn't wanna hang out with me no more. We were fighting all the time. Got so bad I moved out when I turned eighteen. My uncle got killed…. And my boyfriends… we either got into like real fights, like beating each other up or they cheated…" Jose trails off. Brock knows bits and pieces of this, but he is ashamed when he realises he can't provide a full story on any of it.

"Brock, I can see that you're shaken by what Jose just said. Can you tell him what you're thinking?"

"I'm just so sorry you had to go through all of this, but I am also really shocked that I didn't really know. I guess I never asked, but you know you can talk to me, right?" He turns in his seat so he faces Jose.

"I didn't wanna talk about my fuck ups so you don't, you know," Jose doesn't finish the sentence, but Brock gets it anyway.

"You're not a fuck up. I told you this before and I'll tell you again and again until you believe me. Nothing of what happened is your fault. I got beat up because I was flamboyant, you got beat up because you were out. It's not something that was any of our fault. Kids are idiots, teenagers even more so."

"I beat the shit out of others. I was the idiot," Jose argues.

"And I was mean to others. But that's not who we are anymore. What I understood at some point is that bullying is more about the bully than the person they are bullying. I was mean because for once I didn't want to feel like crap. And I guess you beat up others so they wouldn't beat you up," Brock takes a wild guess.

"Not really. I wanted to run with the cool kids again and that's what they did. Beat someone up, stole their money, messed with them."

"Was that before or after you came out?" the therapist asked.

"Before. After there was no way they'd let me hang with them anymore. But I wasn't allowed around them fuckers anymore anyway. My mama found out, because a some kid's mother called and she found his shoes in my room, that I'd taken from him. Shit, she was mad. Thought she'd kill me with his shoes. They were these hard white trainers and I couldn't sit down for like a week."

"How old were you?"

"Like maybe 14? Was grounded forever, too. She only let me out for school and dance practise."

"And you didn't escape a couple of times?" Brock asks teasingly, wishes to lighten the mood.

"And fuck with my mama's orders when she Latina mama mad? White boy, you have no idea!When your mama gets mad that one thing. When my Puerto rican mama gets mad, that's like… she'd be like 'No te mato porque dios es grande' and then you can't run, baby, you can't hide and I knew I'd get it."

"What does it mean?" Brock asks, because he doesn't understand the Spanish part.

"Like, 'I'm not gonna kill you cause god is good', but, yeah, there was always a 'but' in there. You remember in the Harry Potter movies when they destroy the tiara in the room and then Voldemort's heard comes after them with fire? That's my mom when she's real angry." Brock is glad when Jose smiles a bit again.

"What is your relationship with your mother like today?" the doctor asks.

"Real good. She my best friend, my everything. I love my mama." He's fully smiling now.

"She's really amazing. And knowing her explains the temperament and the crazy of this one," Brock teases and pulls Jose into his arms before he can slap him or do something else crazy.

"Ok, sadly our time is up for today." When the doctor speaks up, Brock checks the watch and realises they are actually twenty minutes over the time already. "Your homework for next week is that each of you picks a story from his youth or childhood, where he was either bullied or bullying someone and tell the other about it for four minutes in as much detail as you remember. Then you talk about it. And I want each of you to write down what he's feeling afterwards, how the talk made you feel and how you're feeling after the exercise, ok?"

"Ok," Jose agrees.

"And Brock, let's look for another appointment for your session real quick."

"Sounds good," he agrees and they both follow their therapist over to the reception area to make new appointments. For all they talked about today, Brock feels strangely ok with it all, especially because Jose is still right by his side, ready to tackle the next session and their homework.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like Dr. Laurie i had to cut this short in some places, because it was simply getting too long...


	4. One, two, three... fight

**Chapter 4: One, two, three... fight**

"How are you doing, Dr. Laurie?" Jose greets their therapist, throws himself onto the green sofa and takes his usual seat.

"I'm well, how are you?" she replies. "Hello Brock," she greets the second man who also sits down.

"Good, good," Jose mutters and moves over to the end of the sofa when Brock sits down beside him.

"Brock, how have you been doing since our last one on one session? Any changes?"

"I felt really good at first, but then, like… it didn't last all the way through."

"Alright, then we are gonna schedule another appointment later. How were your shows?"

"They were good, but exhausting. I had a lot of time zone changes so that always sucks," Brock says.

"I can imagine. But you're both ready for today?" She asks and eyes them suspiciously.

"Yup," Jose nods.

"How about we start with the questions again?" Jose doesn't reply, just leans over and takes a piece of paper. Brock quickly follows his lead.

"Describe me in three words," Jose reads out loud, crumbles the paper in his hand and tosses it on the table in front of him.

"Thoughtful, passionate and loyal," Brock says and doesn't seem to have to think about it for too long. Jose just snorts and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday." Brock reads his note.

"Got up, had breakfast, emails, now we're here."

"Jose, anything else? Could you add more details to Brock's day?"

"I have no fucking clue what he done and did," Jose huffs and looks at their therapist with a defiant look on his face. His expression doesn't change while the doctor just watches both of them with a curious, but expectant expression.

"We got into a fight when I got back from New York." It's Brock who finally cracks.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, but I guess we have to." Brock knows.

"Jose, what happened?"

"Got up yesterday morning and got all worried, 'cause his ass ain't in bed where it should be. Find him sleeping in the guest room. Once he's up, he not talking to me, just being a little bitch. Then he starts spouting some shit about the stupid fucking fight I got in while he was gone and says how I am immature and have no self control and always lose it. Blames me for the shit and he wasn't even there!" Jose gets so upset he has to get up from the couch, paces around the room, clenching and unclenching his fists. "He not even listening to shit I say, just leaves with Riley, then goes bitching and snitching about me to our friend and abandons me at home, even took the car. It's my fucking car! I lost it when he got back and then spent the night out with Silky to have some fun."

"Silky is your friend, right?"

"My best friend, yeah." Jose is no longer yelling, but he's still standing by the window, looking out to the street.

"Brock, what happened from your point of view?"

"When I was in New York, Jose and Silky went out clubbing. Silky posted an insta live how they got into a fight at the club and it got physical. Then another story followed that they're at the emergency room and that Jo needed stitches in his thigh. They were both drunk off their asses and kept giggling the whole way through the stories, apparently finding it hilarious what happened. I tried calling Jose, but he didn't pick up his phone. When I got back I was angry about that, but also just wanted to sleep and not get into it, so I slept in the guest room. When I got up he was upset about that and let me have it before I even had a cup of coffee or knew what had happened. I was worried and just wanted to…"

"You weren't worried for shit! You never asked how I was, didn't ask what happened, nada! You don't fucking care about me! You just blaming me and calling me stupid and an idiot!" Jose interrupts him by yelling at him.

"Jose, could you please sit back down. I understand that you're angry and I promise we'll get to the bottom of it, but right now the yelling and pacing is not helping." Laurie tells him.

"Yeah, please, sit down," Brock asks as well, which is the totally wrong move. Jose stops on his way back to the couch.

"I don't wanna sit down! I ain't no fucking kid you can tell to sit down on the fuckin' naughty stairs! You no super nanny!" Jose is screaming at Brock again. Brock gets up as well, but before he can take more than two steps, Jose takes another one towards him and suddenly they're just a couple of inches apart, glaring at each other. Dr. Bernard gets up as well and tries to sneak in between them, but Brock holds her back by holding his arm out.

"It's ok, we're not gonna fight or anything," he lets her know. Then he reaches out to Jose and gently tucks a strand of hair behind his ear that had come loose during his frantic pacing. "Come on, Jo'," he asks gently.

"Get your hands off, asshole," Jose slaps his hand away, but the movement lacks any force. Then he follows Brock back to the couch and drops back down on it with a huff. Both Brock and Dr. Laurie take their seats again as well.

"That was very intense. Do your fights always get that way?" she asks.

"Not always, but sometimes," Brock confirms.

"Do they ever get physical?"

"No."

"Yes," Jose says at the same time as Brock denies it.

"What? When?" Brock is surprised and turns towards him.

"Before we got back together when I pushed you," Jose admits quietly and bites his lip, eyes focussed on his shoes.

"You didn't really hurt me or anything and you apologised right after."

"I wanted to hurt you, believe me. And that ain't cute. And she didn't ask if it hurt, she asked if it happened and it did," Jose insists with tears in his eyes.

"He is right," the therapist speaks up and Brock sighs. "Jose what happened back then that you wanted to hurt him?"

"I thought he was lying to me and a traitor. We were just fucking back then, but I wanted more and I thought he didn't, and wanted me out of the house, 'cause I heard him say something to his friend. I tried to move out before he got back from a gig, but he canceled and accused me of some shit as soon as I walked through the door."

"I had found out he was moving out without telling me. I thought we were getting back together and then he suddenly vanished, stopped talking to me. And then I heard about the apartment," Brock throws in some more information.

"We start fighting, he's yelling, I'm yelling and then I pushed him."

"Pushed him away from you?"

"No… I mean yes, but I just wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurtin' me by screwing me over and not being loyal."

"What did you do in the situation, Brock?"

"I just, like… we'd argued before that. A lot, before the break-up. But, like, I'd never seen him so angry, ever. And I knew he was losing control because he was hurt, because I hurt him. I didn't know how, but I knew I did, and so I took a step back and told him to stop."

"And you stopped?"

"Can't go on fucking him up, when he all quiet and serious, looking at me with his puppy dog eyes," Jose grumbles and shrugs his shoulders.

"Is that why you knew it wouldn't turn physical this time?"

"He was miles away from being angry enough to start swinging," Brock actually giggles and Jose glares at him. "What? It's true." Brock is laughing. "Jose always goes from zero to one hundred when he is angry, or at least it looks that way because he gets so loud and agitated. But it looks worse than it actually is. Believe me, it was a lot worse last morning."

"Do you agree with that Jose?"

"Yeah. I'm plenty angry, but I won't trash your place or him, promise."

"Ok, then. Why don't we go back to what happened yesterday morning. Jose, you said Brock blamed you for what happened at the club, without knowing what happened. How about you tell him now?"

"He don't even care," Jose snorts and crosses his arms again.

"Of course I care," Brock argues, leans over andpresses a kiss to Jose's cheek.

"Brock, could you not reassure him with physical affection, but with words, please. Tell him why you care and what you want to know," the therapist stops him after just a second. They are both taken aback, but Brock listens and pulls back.

"I care because… I care about him." He starts, but the therapist interrupts quietly.

"Tell him!"

"I care what happened, because I care about you," he repeats in Jose's direction. "I love you and when I saw that live I was worried sick, but also angry, because you went out with Silky and got so wasted. You're always up to some shit when the two of you go out alone. But yeah, I was worried and then the whole thing about the ER and you didn't even call to tell me. It hurt me and worried me that I had to find out through a stupid insta live story that you got into a fight and got hurt and I wasn't even there to check on you. Send me right into an anxiety attack. So, I got angry about that too. But, Jose, of course I care. I'm sorry I said that stuff, just… just imagine if you'd been in my shoes…"

"You'd need the ER a second time, if you got hurt and didn't tell me," Jose admits bashfully and takes a deep breath to calm down some more.

"So why didn't you call me?"

"Several reasons. I was bleeding all over the place on the way to the ER and then my phone died and when I wanted to call with Silky's phone, he said you'd just be worried and freak when I tell you on the phone. I wanted to tell you when you got back. I didn't know Silky was doing lives while I got stitches."

"What happened?" Brock finally asks.

"We went to the club and got wasted, had some weed before, just had a good time. Then some guys recognised us and started yelling 'Miss Vanjie' like five billion times. When we ignored them after a while, they started talking smack about Silks. Told them to stop, they didn't. Then we try and leave and they come after us, start hitting on me, while still insulting Silky. They tried to take his turban and Silks pushed them back. That's when they started swinging. I started yelling at them, cussing them out while try and defend my friend. The bouncers came over and pushed us all apart and then made the assholes leave. But I fell and there was some glass on the ground, cut the back of my thigh open," Jose finally tells the tale of the disastrous night out.

"God, I'm so glad you're ok." Brock pulls him close and hugs him tightly. "How many stitches?" he asks against Jose's shoulder.

"Seven."

"Fuck, Jose," he doesn't go on, but just hugs him even tighter. They stay in the embrace for a while, not talking, just holding each other. "Does it hurt?" Brock finally asks and pulls back.

"Not much. Just have to pay attention it won't get infected. Got some stuff to put on it."

"I'll take a look when we get home," Brock decides.

"Gonna bring me jello too, Miss Brooke?" Jose smiles.

"Why not?" Brock winks at him and makes Jose giggle.

"Jose, do you still think Brock doesn't care about you or about what happened?"

"Nah, he cares, that why he got mad."

"And Brock, are you still angry about Jose not telling you?"

"No. I get it now. It was just a misunderstanding."

"Is there anything you could have done differently, so you wouldn't have fought? Or would have resolved the issue earlier?"

"I should have just called him and told him what happened. Mama, I would be fuming if something happened to him and he wouldn't call, so yeah."

"I shouldn't have assumed so much and just asked. Called him again, called Silky and asked when I saw the live."

"Shouldn't have yelled."

"Shouldn't have shut him out."

"What are you going to do differently next time you are worried and get angry?" she asks Brock.

"Talk to him?"

"Talking is always good, but you both have to remember that not only the facts are important. It's important what you feel. Jose, would you have reacted differently, if you'd known that Brock was worried and that's why he was angry?"

"I wouldn't have thought he didn't give a shit about me being hurt," Jose confirms.

"I guess I should talk more about what I am feeling?" Brock tries again.

"I am no mind reader, boo."

"That's why I stopped you earlier. From what I have observed so far, you mostly reassure or soothe Jose through physical touch and affection, and that's a beautiful and important thing. But he needs your words, too."

"Makes sense," Brock nods after thinking about it for a second.

"Doesn't mean I don't want you touching me." Jose reaches over and laces his fingers through Brock's. They exchange a smile.

"Jose, what about you? Beside calling him, what could you do differently next time?"

"Try and stay calm? Remember he loves me and cares, no matter what I think at the moment?"

"Is there anything that could help you remember?"

"Him not shutting me out or walking away," Jose offers after a moment. "Like, if you just stayed when you mad. You can be mad and not talk to me, but stay. I always think you not coming back or you gonna kick me out when you leave like that or sleep on the couch."

"Leaving or being left behind is one of your triggers. Are you aware of that?"

"I am now, Dr. Laurie." Jose agrees and moves closer to Brock on the couch.

"It is very important to know your own triggers but also those of your partner. How about your homework for next session is to think about that and write down each others triggers? What makes him angry," she looks at Jose. "What makes him anxious," she looks at Brock.

"Shit's getting deep," Jose mutters.

"Ain't that the truth," Brock agrees, but feels better when Jose winks at him, then puckers his lips. Brock follows the invitation and pecks his lips.

"You're up for another round of quick questions before we end this session?" Laurie asks with a wide smile.

"Hand them over, mama," Jose laughs and hands Brock one of the folded papers before he takes one for himself. "What do you pray about?" Jose reads, then snorts and starts laughing, already knowing the answer.

"I don't pray about shit," Brock replies honestly.

"True dat. Your ho ass will go straight to hell one day," Jose teases.

"At least it'll be warm. Ok, my question is: 'What board game do you hate the most'?"

"Board game? What's a board game?"

"I think that answers the question," Brock laughs.

"Don't mock me, bitch. I kick your ass on the Switch any day!"

"Mostly because I don't own one."

They're back to their bickering until time's up and they're shoed out of the office. Until next time.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I had "stored". It might take me a bit longer to update from now on, as I am now writing and posting in 'real time'.
> 
> I hope you like it so far.


	5. Let's talk about sex... or not

**Chapter 5: Let's talk about sex... or not**

Brock hates being late, but it's not his fault and he called Jose to tell him that his flight was delayed once again. He hurries through the reception area, then knocks on the door to Dr. Bernards office and enters. What he sees is not what he expected. They haven't started yet. Instead both the therapist and Jose are sitting on the sofa and are laughing about something that Jose shows her on his cellphone.

Jose looks comfortable the way he sits there, a large smile on his face and Brock is hit again by how much he's missed him. They haven't seen each other in six weeks, their only contact via phone calls and video chats. Brock has kept his appointment with the therapist via Facetime, but the couples' therapy had come to a halt.

"Hey," he says softly and finally Jose looks up from the screen.

"Babyyy!" the phone lands on the small coffee table and Jose rushes over to him. While they hug each other tightly, Jose rests his chin on Brock's shoulder and presses his nose to his skin. Brock breathes him in as well, the familiar scent of cologne, hairspray and simply Jose finally letting the heavy feeling in his chest disappear. Jose tries to step back, but Brock holds him closer, doesn't let him go, because he is not ready yet.

"I missed you," he tells him and presses his lips against his forehead.

"I missed you, too." With this Jose steps back a bit and looks at him, his hands coming up to cup Brock's face. "You ok, boo?" his voice is quiet, like he wants only Brock to hear the question. Brock gets lost in his eyes for a moment and kisses him gently before he is able to reply.

"Yeah, I just… it was hard this time," he admits.

"I know," Jose replies, pulls him close and kisses him. It doesn't matter that their therapist is still there, the need to reconnect through this kiss is too strong. They don't give her a show, it's not indecent, but it doesn't lack passion or feeling. Jose hugs him again when they break apart. "Let's get this therapy shit over with so we can go home. Missed the D, too." He whispers and presses a kiss to Brock's ear. Brock laughs.

"Hello, Brock, welcome back." The doctor's face doesn't give anything away what she's thinking when she greets him. She's back in her usual chair, waiting for both of them to sit down.

"Hello. It's so good to be back." He smiles widely, even though he's not really talking about the therapy, but simply about the fact that he is back home, back with Jose. They both sit down and Brock is aware that they're sitting closer than they usually do, a lot closer. Jose throws his legs over Brock's, so his feet dangle off beside his knee's, but don't touch the sofa. He also wraps his arms around Brock's waist while Brock holds him close by wrapping his left arm around Jose's shoulders, his thumb running up and down his neck. They're both clingy and needy, but because therapy is where they see each other again, this is all they can do for now.

"Looks like you two missed each other."

"Dr. Laurie, let me tell ya something. We've been apart before, like for weeks, but since we got back together this is the longest and I was slowly loosing my marbles, because of how much I missed my boo. It didn't get any better. I was a mess," Jose admits freely and presses his lips to Brock's cheek when he is done speaking.

"Brock, you feel the same?"

"No, not really,"starts and feels Jose tense. He keeps caressing his neck. "The day I left and flew to Toronto I felt like throwing up and just going back home and it simply didn't change. It was horrible," he admits. Jose places his free hand on Brock's chest, right over his heart. "How… like…why is this so hard suddenly? Don't get me wrong, you know I always miss you," he looks at Jose, "but never like this and not from the minute I step onto the plane."

"Maybe 'cause it was so long? Since we got back together, the longes was what? Like three weeks?" Jose speculates.

"If it'll stay like this I'm gonna lose my mind," Brock sighs and rests his forehead against Jose's hair, closes his eyes for a second.

"Do you think this is the reason behind the heightened frequency of your anxiety attacks while you were away?" Dr. Laurie asks him.

"Maybe… Yeah… I think so," Brock thinks out loud. During his online therapy sessions he was honest about his recent anxiety attacks that were plaguing him. Filming was a mess, but he had made it through. The real problem started when he was alone in his hotel room. After two weeks of sleepless nights and constant nausea, he moved in with his parents for the rest of the shoot, but even that hadn't helped. Only when he talked to Jose things calmed down.

"Therapy might have something to do with it. Sometimes that happens," Laurie explains. "You're opening yourself up to each other and become closer. It's like when you break a bone. It hurts, but then after it's healed, it's stronger, thicker. However, staying with that picture, what might have happened is that you broke the bone and then didn't let it heal, kept breaking it, because you were apart. But don't worry, it will normalise over time," she tells them.

"What's that shit with the sticks and stone and broken bones?" Jose wonders out loud and makes Brock laugh because it's so random. He kisses him again.

"And you both seem to thrive on physical affection, which is of course cut off when you're apart."

"Who with that?"

"We both need and like to touch each other," Brock translates.

"Biiitch, don't even get me started about how much I missed _that._ " Brock chuckles, knows how true that is. "Don't laugh, toes, you even worse judging by them sexy messages and phone calls."

"Oh shut up," Brock blushes and giggles like a school girl.

"Is that something you talk about openly?"

"What? Sexy messages?" Jose can't follow.

"Sex in general, likes and dislikes, how to deal with sex when you're apart."

"Now listen," Jose starts, "there's no 'dealing with sex' or some other shit like that when we apart. We exclusive! No funny business until we back together and definitely not with other bitches. No, uh-uh, not happening. And he agreed. This ain't no open relationship shit!" Jose gets so agitated he actually sits up, places his feet back on the ground and moves away from Brock, just a bit. Their hands find each other though.

"So you have talked about it?"

"We had to talk about it, about what exclusivity meant to both of us, because Jose thought I was way more open than I actually am. The fact that he thought I was cheating on him when we were apart was one of the main reasons we broke up the last time," Brock replies.

"I know now he didn't."

"Thank god." Brock pecks his cheek again. He can't help it.

"So back then you didn't talk about boundaries?"

"Not really, no." he shakes his head. "I mean, I knew we both didn't want other people in the relationship, but my way of flirting and… like, Brooke is really sexy, lascivious and so he thought I was cheating. But we never really talked about it. We just fought about his jealousy, my flirting, him being clingy, me pulling away…"

"A lot of couples avoid openly talking about sex. No matter if it's things like infidelity, being attracted to others, self-pleasure or likes and dislikes. But, especially when you're apart you have to find a way to talk about this aspect of your relationship as well."

"You mean, sit down and discuss 'Phone sex yes, sexy pictures no'?" Brock is puzzled what exactly she is getting at.

"Yes."

"Why do we need to talk about that?" Jose grumbles. As much as he crudely jokes about sex when he's in Vanjie mode, as quiet Jose is when it actually comes to talking about sex when it's about him personally. Brock is sure he's not even telling Silky anything about their love-life, because his partner's best friend has complained about how tight-lipped he is. Not that Brock minds, because there's things Silky definitely doesn't need to know.

"Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?" Dr. Laurie asks him.

"Lord, I knew this talk was gonna go left at some point," Jose mutters and rolls his eyes. Brock is curious now how this will turn out. It's one of the rare moment when he can't predict which way Jose's mood will swing. It can literally go anywhere. From embarrassment to anger, Vanjie or shyness. "Dr. Laurie you know I love ya, but this is my boo, my mans. We have problems, but we never have any problems during sexy times. I wanna jump his bones all the time and when we doing it, it good. Better than good. Always. We loud, we proud, we talk and do what we like. When we not together for weeks, it's hard and I ain't talking only about our dicks, mama. But he good at keeping me happy and satisfied even long distance. And I have the pics to prove I do that for him, too. And if we need more, there's alway the rabbit or our hands 'till we see each other. And now that's all I'm gonna say about that. Finito.If you wanna talk sexy times in detail, this ho will tell you all about it, 'cause he loves talking sex and what he done and did. But keep me out of it. The only person on this planet I will talk about my dick and my dirty phantasies, when I am not acting a fool as Vanjie, is him." Brock can't help but smile proudly, because he loves how Jose just handled this. He put his foot down, made himself heard and he did it without losing his cool and mostly without relying on using Vanjie for finding his strength. This was Jose talking, calmly, but with conviction.

Dr. Bernard is smiling as well. "Thank you Jose for stating so clearly what you think, even though I am more addressing communication about sex than your love life. Brock, you are also ok with not discussing your communication about your intimate relationship during the sessions?"

"As weird as it sounds, that might be the only area we have absolutely no problems communicating whatsoever," he laughs.

"We perfect at horizontal communicating. We could teach it and preach it." Jose is loud again, laughing freely, eyes twinkling. Brock pulls him in his arms again and holds him tightly.

"I love you," he tells him just as freely and without even thinking about it twice. It's the truth and he's come to accept it, to like it and not fear it. He doesn't need Jose's reply to know he feels the same. He knows it. Knows it by the way he looks up at him with love shining in his eyes, by the way he smiles a bit wider, and by how he presses his plump lips against his and kisses him, just for a moment.

"Ok, you two, knock it off," Dr. Laurie laughs and claps her hands. "How about this? We finish this session now and reschedule and you get out of here and work on your relationship in a more intimate setting."

"Sounds good," Brock doesn't take his eyes off Jose, who is still resting against his chest.

"But we didn't even get to play the question game!" Jose says with a pout.

"What?" Again his boyfriend surprises him.

"We good at the game boo. And five minutes won't kill ya." He's clearly teasing now, making Brock wait, clearly part of foreplay. He doesn't have to say it aloud. Just like they said, they communicate well in that area.

"Alright, then go ahead." Brock doesn't know if Laurie is onto Jose, but the way she grins, he thinks the therapist knows what Jose is doing. She holds the box with questions out to them.

"Fucking tease," Brock whispers in Jose's ear when he leans forward to draw his question. His boyfriend just smirks. "Tell me something about you I don't know yet."

Jose thinks about his answer for a moment before he speaks. "I maybe… might have started smoking… sometimes."

"What?" Brock is so surprised he nearly falls off the couch. "You? Smoking? You're not talking weed right, because I know about that."

"Nope, cigarettes."

"Why?" Is the only thing he can come up with.

"You left a pack of smokes out on the patio and when I was chilling out there all by myself and stuff, I lit one, cause I missed you and it reminded me of you and then I just… kept doing it." The explanation is such a romantic Jose-thing to say and so wrong at the same time that Brock doesn't know he should feel flattered or guilty.

"Guess we both have to stop then so you won't get any of the illnesses you always tell me about in graphic detail."

"How many times have you stopped and started again. Lost track of that shit, boo."

"Fine," Brock huffs. "Just ask your question so we can get out of here."

"Name three things we have in common," Jose reads.

"Drag. Humour and, uh… sexual preferences." The last words have barely left his lips when Jose slaps his chest.

"Bitch! I knew you'd add that cause you always thinking about sex." He gets up. "Then come on, get your horny ass home so the doc can relax some before the next session." He pulls Brock up and drags him behind him towards the door. "See ya Dr. Laurie! We gonna call about the next appointment! No time now… we busy," he waves with his free hands, Brock does the same, because it's all he can do and their therapist's laughter follows them out the door.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update for today, before the madness starts... Happy birthday to me :)


	6. Bust the windows out his car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for another therapy session attempt?
> 
> I am feeling for the good Dr. here, believe me.

**Chapter 6: Bust the windows out his car**

"Give me my phone back! I am not joking, bitch, I'm gonna kick your ass, if you not handing it over rapidamente!" Jose is angry, furious to be correct. The fact that his idiotic boyfriend took his phone away from him doesn't help at all. In fact, it makes it even worse.

"No! You need to calm down first," he argues back and Jose calculates if he'd be able to take him down and take his phone, if he jumped onto his back right then and there. Brock is tall though and so Jose simply opts for kicking his leg from behind. It's not meant to trip him, simply to annoy him.

"I give you calm when I have my phone back, you fucking condescending asshole!" He'd be proud of his knowledge and correct use of that word, but he doesn't give a shit. All he wants is his phone.

"Hello Jose," Dr. Laurie's voice reaches his through his anger and he stops kicking Brock's legs. They are already standing in the doctor's office, a fact that he only now realises.

"Hello," he greets her, then holds his hand out to Brock, who is sitting in his usual spot. "Phone. Now!" He is no longer yelling, but even his voice is vibrating with anger. Out of the corner of his eyes he can see their therapist walk towards him, but he ignores her and keeps glaring at Brock.

"I will not give you your phone when you are like this."

"Then give me your fucking phone, I don't care! I am going to fuck him up and kick his ass!" He is screaming again. Brock doesn't budge.

"Phone," Dr. Laurie tells Brock and holds out her hand as well. Jose tries to grab it when his boyfriends finally hands the phone over, but the doctor is quicker. "Yours as well," she adds. Unenthusiastically Brock hands her his phone as well. "Jose, sit down." It's an order, nothing less. He follows it. "This is the first and last time you will come in here and immediately break the rules. I told you there would be no yelling and no aggression or abusive behaviour in here. What I just saw is completely unacceptable and I am seriously considering to stop working with the two of you." She is calm, but has a lot of authority suddenly. Gone is the sweet girl who giggled with him over stupid insta filters just a week ago. She means business.

"I am sorry," Brock is the first to say. "We really didn't meant to."

"What are you apologising for? You the perfect calm guy, even when some motherfucker is stabbing us in the back like he on Scream!" Jose gets upset again. The pleading look in Brock's eyes makes him pause and he turns to Dr. Laurie. "I'm sorry. I just don't… I wanna calm down but I can't… I'm so fucking angry I wanna hit something… or someone." He admits it and realises that he is really helpless when it comes to getting his own anger under control.

"Take a deep breath and let the air out through your nose slowly," Dr. Laurie tells him and he follows her lead. Beside him Brock is doing the same, breathing with him. "Now close your eyes, relax and keep breathing." It gets easier after a while and he really finds himself relaxing. The anger is still simmering under the surface, but the need to express it in some violent way slowly melts away. He reaches over and seeks out Brock's hand, gives it a squeeze.

"Sorry," he says quietly and opens his eyes again. Brock squeezes his hand back and he knows he is already forgiven.

"Can you tell him what exactly you're sorry for?" The doctor isn't as easily placated.

"B, I'm sorry for yelling and for saying all them nasty words and calling you names. And I'm sorry for kicking you."

"It's ok, papi. But thanks for the apology." Brock pecks his lips.

"I feel like when I fucked up as a kid. My mama always made me say sorry for all the shit too."he mumbles and really feels embarrassed.

"There is no shame in an apology," Dr. Laurie points out.

"And you just threw a tantrum like a two year old so it's kind of fitting," Brock laughs and Jose can feel the anger bubbling up again.

"Jose, can you tell me in one sentence what made you so angry just now?" Dr Laurie speaks before he erupts again.

"Some asshole screwed us over and I wanted to kick his ass and call him out on it, so Brock took my phone."

"Ok. So are you angry about the betrayal or about the phone?"

"About both doc! I'm trying to fight for us here and instead of backing me up and being right there like Bonnie to my Clyde, he takes my fucking phone."

"I didn't take your phone because I'm not on your side, Jo. I am! I am as angry as you are. I just think that we should talk about our strategy first, instead of you posting another rant on insta or sending him threatening messages or whatever you would have done. It's just gonna hurt us even more in the long run. We cannot just go off like that and you know it! Even when you delete your stories someone has always saved them somewhere and they come around to bite you in the ass. I was protecting you and us, I am, just in a different way," Brock insist and Jose feels himself calm downagain.

"You wanna stratigi… stratero… wanna have a plan? Fine. We go over to his house, slash his fucking tires, bust the windows out his car, throw old eggs at his stupid house and kick his fucking cheater ass. And then we go and call every one of our real friends and tell them what he done and did and make sure he never work again, not a fucking day in his life! How's that for a plan?"

"That's a hard no from me. But are you feeling better now that you said it out loud?" Brock looks amused.

"Yeah, asshole," Jose grumbles just for the heck of it, but puckers his lips. With a smile Brock gives into his request.

"Are you ready now to talk about what happened and maybe I can help you to find a solution? Or should we talk about something else today and save me from becoming an accomplice to whatever crime it is your planing?" Dr. Laurie asks and makes Jose laugh.

"Mama, you'd look good in orange."

"I honestly think it would be great if we could talk about it here," Brock stays on topic after shaking his head.Jose knows it's his 'give me strength' expression.

"So?"

"You tell the story, boo or I'm gonna go all Kill Bill again," Jose decides when they both look at him.

"We are preparing for our first tour together. It will start in late October and then finish around Christmas in Canada," Brock starts.

"We gonna spend Christmas with his family," Jose has to add, because he is still very excited about it.

"Rehearsals have started, but so far we haven't really given out any details to the fans. We basically advertise it as two different tours, either 'Vanjie and friends' or 'a night with Brooke featuring special guests'."

"We don't wanna be public yet, cause it's only been seven months and all, you know. This is between us and it works and we here to talk to you. We don't need no fucking judgements from fans or enemies on social media."

"Well, we weren't public, because this morning we found out that one of our dancers, who has also been a close friend of Jose's for a while, has been secretly taking pictures of our house, our pets and us together and he's made an insta story where he spills the news that we're back together and backs it up with all these pics. It's… I feel so exposed," Brock stops and it breaks Jose's heart how scared he looks.

"We wake up this morning and are tagged in all these fucking screen shots from the videos, all these fuckers fan-girling over Branjie being back and my boo goes right into a panic attack first thing in the motherfucking morning. We didn't even have breakfast yet!"

"This asshole made it sound like we gave him permission to talk about us and post pictures." Now Brock sounds angry as well. His anger is calmer, quieter and he rarely starts yelling, but Jose knows his boyfriend's anger is just as lethal as his own.

"What kind of pictures did he post?"

"Intimate pictures," Brock says.

"Bitch, there were naked pics too? Fuck!" Jose exclaims.

"No, no, not what I mean." Brock places a hand on his arm to reassure him. "I mean like… a picture of our living room wall where there are pictures of the two of us up in a frame."

"He put it up before we got back together, cause he missed me," Jose supplies the details that are very important for him. "The dick trophy wall." Jose and Brock exchange a small smile, not caring if their therapist gets the joke or not.

"There was a photo of my cats and Jose's dog together on their blankets. A pic of the two of us during dinner out on the patio when they were all over at our place. Jose's sitting in my lap and we're kissing for the picture. I mean, we knew he was taking the photo, he even sent it to us, but I didn't think he'd put them online."

"He was my friend," Jose nods his head, suddenly feeling more sad than angry.

"And he obviously betrayed you and violated your privacy." Dr. Laurie sums it up. "Will there be any repercussions about this for you? You mentioned in the beginning that there was a time when you were not allowed to be together openly."

"No, that's not it. We don't have any contracts against it or anything."

"I'm still scared, mama."

"Me too," Brock admits.

"What about this makes you scared?"

"The pressure of it all. I'm scared that if all our issues will be under a magnifying glass again and out in public for everyone to see, we will… fall apart."

"I don't wanna fuck this up. I need us to work."

"There are no guarantees in life and in love. However, you two are working hard on yourselves and on your communication and I think that says a lot about how committed you are to each other. Don't forget that. That is something that no one can take from you. What is said between the two of you will always be just yours."

"I like that," Brock smiles and takes Jose's hand in his. "It sounds amazing." The therapists words ring true and soothe the worries. The thought that there is something they have that no one else has access to, is feeling like hot chocolate on a winter's day or shared cotton candy at the fair.

"Last time you said that you miss each other more since the counselling started. Have there been any other changes?"

"I think so," Brock says and Jose knows he is hiding behind the statement.

"When he spiralling or panicking, I know how to calm him down, cause I know what makes him tick. He always telling me what's going on, worrying him, scaring him," Jose points out.

"Same with his anger or rare bouts of jealousy or mistrust. I get where he is coming from, I know the story behind it and can react in a way that helps. Also it's not as bad when you know why certain things set your partner off." Now that Jose has made the first step, Brock is able to open up as well. "This morning he calmed me down in like a minute. Then I was back to being able to talk, the nausea was gone and the room stopped spinning. When we watched the whole shitshow together, he got angry. Like, a couple of months ago, I wouldn't have dared to take his phone. I would have tried to reason with him and, like, argue. Now I know I can't. He needs to calm down first, then I can tell him what I feel and he tells me what he feels and we work it out. Like, what you saw, was still that first moment, that first anger."

"And that's perfectly fine if it works for you. My objections earlier came from the volume level, which might be a thing that sounds worse than it is, I know that, Jose. But my second and more concerning issue was the fact that you, Jose, kept kicking him."

"I know that like physical abuse victims always say it's not that bad and he didn't mean it and so on, but Jose has never hurt me. Again, there was no force behind the kicks, it was just to get my attention. He could have poked me in the stomach or tapped my shoulder and it would have been the same. If he wanted to kick me and hurt me, he could. But he didn't. And I know he'd never do that. Ever." Brock comes to his defence and Jose is glad for it. Glad, that Brock believes in him and knows he would never hurt him.

"I pushed him that one time. But never again. Now I walk away if I get that angry, go running with Riley. I'd never hurt him."

"And to be honest that one time he did, I was pushing his buttons. I made him angry on purpose, like, hurt him on purpose, you know."

"We both did," Jose nods. "You think I need some anger control classes? So I don't hurt him?" he asks their therapist, wondering if maybe that's what she is getting at.

"That is a question only you can answer. I just think it has never hurt anyone. Maybe you could take one together?"

"His calm ass at anger classes? They'd have to teach him how to get real fucking mad first."

"Passive aggressiveness is also a form of anger."

"You lost me there, Dr. Laurie," Jose admits and looks to Brock.

"She is right. We could do it together. Can't hurt. I mean, you're sometimes joining my therapy sessions for my anxiety." It is a great feeling that Brock is up for it and doesn't think it is a big deal. Just one more thing they are doing together to make their relationship better and help each other out.

"Deal, boo." Jose knows that he is grinning like a fool when he leans in for a kiss, but he doesn't care.

"So, back on topic? What would be the ideal outcome when dealing with the invasion of your privacy?" Laurie reels them back in.

"Make him pay," Jose is back to murder in a second.

"Maybe literally?" Brock wonders out loud. "We could have a lawyer check and see if there's anything that can be done?"

"Oooh, I like that. We'd have to buy dope suits for court. We'd be like Jason Bourne dating James Bond." Just the thought makes him excited.

"You're such a dork," Brock laughs. "But yeah, making him pay, uhm, doing some kind of damage control? It's out that we're back together, but maybe we could do our own live and tell it our way? Ask for privacy while we work on our issues?"

"No, nothing about no issues or problems or anything. To them hos out there we perfect, no problems. I don't want my personal shit out there for everyone. You say issues and they start digging. Uh-uh, we not doing that, mami,"

"Alright. What do you want to say on the live? Or just not do any?"

"No, we can. But like… say we back, Vanjie and Brooke acting fools and making some sex jokes about the good D. You saying we great, awesome, all that jazz. I say shit about romantic dates and then we expose the motherfucker and say that we no friends of his no more, cause he a fuckin traitor and that we block and unfollow him and they all do the same if they real fans of ours. That's how you do it. Sneakily!" Another idea he likes very much.

"I'm up for it. I just think we should talk to our management before and let them know. Maybe that way we can also spread the word that he's no trustworthy and should not dance for queens anymore?"

"You a genius! That's why I love you!" The anger from earlier is gone and instead it is fun to talk through different scenarios. He kisses Brock again. "And you a genius, too, Dr. Laurie! You a dope ass therapist" He rushes over to her and kissed her cheek.

"And out of all the things we talked about here, you say this when I let you two plan a revenge on someone." They all have to laugh.

"You don't believe in forgiveness and mercy?" Brock asks her, still chuckling.

"This is not about what I believe in. This is about you two communicating in a productive way and address your issues. You are both responsible adults and if this is what you need to do, then it is not my place to have any opinion about it. I am here to help, not to judge."

"When we good and all of this is over and you can get rid of my loud ass and his anxious one, we takin' you to dinner and then I wanna know what you think about the shit we talk about in here." Jose is back in his seat, but points one finger to her face and is trying to put his most charming smile on his face.

"That Jose, will never happen."

"Just wait, Dr, Laurie, just wait. All I say is: Sneakily." He winks at her, then takes Brock's arm and wraps it around hisshoulders. "We gonna play the question game now before we go out there and slay a bitch?"

"Jose!" the doctor intervenes. "I assume you're speaking metaphorically again?"

"Who dat is?" he asks, but smirks.

**TBC**


	7. Not a proposal

**Chapter 7: Not a proposal**

"Doc' you gonna be so fuckin proud of us when we tell you what we been up to and what good little gay boyfriends we been! You gonna want to marry us both!" Jose is bouncing is his seat with nervous and happy energy. It makes Brock laugh, but he also places his hand on Jose's thigh to calm him down a bit. He kind of suspects already it will be in vain.

"Should I consider this a proposal, Jose?" she jokes.

"That would be a really crappy proposal. Where's the romance, mama?"

"Just wanted to make sure. And I hate to disappoint you, but I'm already taken."

"Who's the lucky guy? Or lucky lady?" Jose goes on questioning their therapist, his leg bouncing up and down and curiosity written all over his face. Brock just leans back and enjoys the show.

"As this is your therapy session and not a quiz show, how about you tell me what you did that you are so excited about?"

"Don't think I don't know that you avoiding answering my question, doc, but fine. Just 'cause we so good!" he adjusts the hat on his head and bumps his elbow into Brock's side. "Right?"

"Why don't you tell the story before you explode," Brock offers, thoroughly entertained by his excited partner.

"'Cause of you, doc, my boo here has become a real romantic. Started writing me real dope texts and little love notes. Yesterday, I woke up and there were pancakes for me in the kitchen and he added a heart out of chocolate syrup. How sweet is that?" he gushes and Brock feels slightly embarrassed.

"He promised I wouldn't have to watch anymore crappy romance movies without a happy ending in exchange," he provides the necessary information that explains his sudden romantic side. Not that it hasn't always been there, he just never had the guts to be open enough to live it.

"Don't matter why you do it, sweetheart, only matter that you doing it!" Another elbow bump follows.

"If you call me 'sweetheart' one more time I'm gonna stop. Inmediatamente," Brock threatens.

"Aw, did you hear him using the Spanish I taught him? He so good! So cute with the accent and all." Jose just keeps gushing and Brock rolls his eyes. When Jose tries to pinch his cheeks however, he stops him and a playful fight breaks out.

"Jose, was that what you wanted to tell?" Dr. Laurie interrupts them and Jose finally stops trying to get his hands on Brock's face.

"That was numero uno. Numero dos is that we got into a fight, cause this stupid idiot was all anxiety-y and didn't say nothing to me and didn't calm down. So he popped a Xanax for a short flight, even though he don't need them no more."

"You are happy about fighting and him taking Xanax?" The doctor wonders.

"No, I'm a proud mama, cause then we talked all adult-y and maturely and I didn't yell or scream and he was the one who wanted to talk and we made up like an hour after we landed and found a solution. That is how you do it." He is bouncing in his seat again.

"That sounds promising. Great job!"

"He's also getting a lot better at staying calm and listening, being patient, so that's like another great thing." Brock adds, because he is very proud of Jose and how far he's come in the short amount of time. Sure, neither of them is perfect, but Jose is right, they are both doing a lot better, individually and as a couple.

Jose remains silent, but the teary smile gives away how touched he is by Brock's praise.

"Very good. Sounds like you two are really doing well. Maybe it is time to tackle one of the heavier topics?"

"Like what?" Now Brock feels himself getting nervous. He thought they had already tackled heavy stuff before.

"Your relationship, let's say, up to the first break-up? Or maybe until you moved in together? I am still not sure how that figures into the equation and it doesn't sound like you have really worked through this either. Or am I wrong?"

The silence lasts for a long time until Jose speaks up. "No, you're right, Dr. Laurie." He then turns to Brock and seems to know that he's not too far away from another anxiety attack. His palms are sweaty and shaking. Also he is breathing too fast. They both know that they both made many mistakes back then, but ultimately it was Brock who ended it, had given up on them. Jose would have fought for them until the bitter end, but wasn't given the opportunity. The guilt Brock still feels hasn't left, especially because he has a rough idea how many scars he has left on Jose's big heart. "Calm down, boo, nothing bad's gonna happen. We'll be just as solid once we done talkin', I promise. Not gonna dump your anxious ass or anything and you can't get rid of me no more. Not after them pancakes." His words help a bit, but it isn't until Jose laces his fingers through Brock's and holds his hand tightly, that his heartbeat slows down and breathing become a bit easier again. It's not completely gone yet. He tenses when Jose lets go of his hand, but he just grasps it with his other, while his right now wraps around his back and strokes up and down. He concentrates on the slow rhythm and finally the anxiety drains out of him. "There you go, boo."

"Thank you," he says once he is able to form words again and pecks Jose's lips.

"Can we play the question game so he can calm down a bit more?" Jose proposes.

"I've been wanting to point out that this is not a game. It's an exercise, and a good one at that," the therapist points out with a smile, but holds the box out to them.

"French fries, curly fries," Jose mutters, which instantly makes Brock laugh so hard he snorts and can't stop. The proud smile on Jose's face lets him know that this was the intention behind it.

"What?" Dr. Bernard doesn't get it.

"He means potato-potatoh," Brock manages to say in between laughter.

"Same shit, that's what I mean."

"If this wasn't confidential, I'd make a fortune publishing a book about it," the doctor jokes, now laughing as well.

"A book? You can't put me in some book, doc! I'd lose my special spicy flavour in it! Make it a movie and I'd even play myself if the coins are right."

"Like you once thanked yourself?" Brock teases.

"Just start with the questions so we can crack the high score again."

"What is my favorite way to spend an evening?"

"Some good food and a beer, cuddling with the kitties and me on the couch, watch some movie where they speak something that's supposed to be English, but no one understands. Lots of snacks. And then a bubble bath before bed with these bath bombs you love."

"Sounds perfect," Brock agrees to Jose's ideas.

"Wasn't hard, boo. I know you a lazy bitch," Jose shrugs unimpressed and then unfolds his own piece of paper. He reads it, then his eyes widen and he blushes bright red. "I can't read that, doc. I need another question."

"Why?"

"Cause…. nah…" Jose stutters, turning even more red. Brock takes the note from him, thinking maybe there is a word in there that his boyfriend can't pronounce. He is really surprised when he sees the question.

"What is my favorite way to be soothed?" he reads out loud, wrinkles his forehead and gives Jose a confused look. "What's the problem with the question?" he adds, but doesn't get an answer. "You like to be soothed by being cuddled and hugged very tightly."

"Sure that works," Jose says slowly and Brock knows that's either not the correct answer or not what he thought he'd say.

"What did you think I'd say? Sucking you off?" he jokes, but pauses when the blush on Jose's cheeks get even darker. "Oh my god!" He has to laugh. "No way! I didn't know that!"

"Shut up! It said 'my _favorite_ way' so… Always takes my mind off things." Jose is so embarrassed he is mumbling into Brock's shoulder, hiding his face.

"That's very good to know, papi." Brock whispers in his boyfriend's ear but still smiles widely. It makes Jose look up with a shy smile and he finally sits back up again and takes a deep breath.

"I don't like this game no more. Next time we playing something else." He decides.

"Still not a game, but I will introduce another exercise next time," the doctor promises. "For now though, here is what I want you to do. I want each of you to tell the story of your relationship from the moment you met until the moment you moved in together. And I want you to focus on the emotions especially. Tell each other what you felt, good or bad, misunderstanding or not. You both know the truth of the facts by now, you both said that several times, but I want you to know the truth of your feelings as well. Alright?" They both nod. "The other one only listens. Again, no justifications, no explanations. Just remember that emotions are not rational and not controllable. They just are and the should be expressed." More nods. "Who wants to start?" They both look at each other, both unsure. But then Brock decides to take the plunge. Maybe it will be easier to talk about his own fucked up feelings than listening to Jose's heartache?

"I can go first," he offers and Jose nods in agreement. He doesn't let go of his hand and doctor Laurie adjusts the notepad on her lap and gets ready to listen.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was short and a filler, but I had to cut somewhere, because it was getting out of hand. I didn't want to make this 10k words. Hope you like it anyway.


	8. Wouldn't change a thing

**Chapter 8: Wouldn't change a thing**

"I thought you were cute even before I met you in person… I was actually kind of disappointed that nothing more ever came from the messages we exchanged on insta and Facebook. Miss Vanjie happened and I knew I wouldn't hear from you again. But, like, we met on set and you started flirting with me right away." Brock smiles. He can still remember the moment that the break out star Vanjie did still remember who he was and the friendly messages they exchanged turned into flirtation right away. By the way Jose raises one eyebrow, he knows he disagrees with his assessment of who started flirting with whom. They discussed it before and never agreed.

"It was fun and I was flattered, but I didn't think anything would come off it during the competition. I really liked you, I liked our playful flirting during lunch and dinner and in the bus. And then we suddenly kissed and I was so surprised. I really don't know how that happened, but I knew by then that I had a crush on you. It didn't really freak me out or anything, because crushes are…. nice and fun and so I told Nina. I'd never been in a situation before, where I couldn't really do anything with a crush. Usually it got R-rated really fast and then it was over." Jose rolls his eyes, but still remains silent. He must know all of this.

"We got closer and closer, you got to see sides of me usually even my closest friends barely get to see… we kept kissing…. I loved it. Because of the show I didn't really think about it too much. I would have freaked out had I had the time to. We agreed we'd see where it was going after, but… you know I never had a relationship before you. I honestly thought we'd hook up afterwards, have some fun and leave it at that. I didn't expect it to become… what it did. I didn't expect to feel that way."

"Can you elaborate? What did you feel back then?" Dr. Laurie asks him.

"I was enjoying our time together, loved having Jose around. The happiness and giddiness didn't go away… I felt like a teenager. But for the first weeks we spent together I thought the excitement would just go away like it always did for me, when we were apart. Then I went back to Nashville and you to L.A., but it didn't stop. I fell in love with you. I missed you, I felt like crap and I wanted it to stop, just wanted the old indifference back. You came to see me and everything was good again… until you left. It was like being on a rollercoaster ride that makes you nauseous and still you get back on. We were apart more and more, had to pay attention about being out in public. I just wanted to feel like me again, but you kept calling, kept reminding me that we were a couple. I tried to minimise the contact, because not being with you made me feel… it was horrible. When we were together, I was ecstatic. But the rest of the time, I was anxious, popped Xanax like candy. Steve got worried. And you got jealous, thought I was cheating. You never out loud accused me of it, just started controlling me, at least that's what it felt like for me. I finally had one more reason to reject you. I started flirting with trade more than before, told you it was just for cover, but I was trying to make myself feel better, because being in love made me feel like shit suddenly. But it didn't work. I didn't cheat on you, I promise, but just flirting didn't help. I was so frustrated and angry because you had all these expectations of me and us, and what we should do and be and I could never meet them. I wasn't romantic, I didn't always tell you what you wanted to hear. I didn't want to drop everything I had worked for, just to become completely dependant on you and travel with you. I felt like you only wanted there to be an 'us' and I wanted a 'you and me'. I'd never been in a relationship, I barely knew what I was doing and it felt like you made me compete for the Olympics already and resented me when I didn't break the record fo the most romantic boyfriend out there. It just convinced me that I wasn't made to be anyone's boyfriend. Especially not yours. Because, aside from the jealousy and the angry fits and the accusations and control, you were all of what you wanted me to be. You were loving and so thoughtful, generous and romantic." Brock feels awful when Jose shrinks more and more into the couch and puts more space between them.

"Don't Jo, please… don't," he begs him when Jose tries to untangle his hand from Brock's. He suddenly doesn't want to do this anymore, when it hurts Jose.

"I just… need some space, boo." Jose's soft reply comes. He changes his position, hugs one of his knees and sits down on his other foot, making himself small, but protected. Walled off from Brock. He hates it. His heart is beating out of his chest and his stomach clenches painfully.

"Brock, just go on. It'll be alright," their therapist encourages him, but he looks to Jose. When he nods, he continues.

"I felt like I wasn't myself back then. I didn't know myself anymore. I was flying high when we were together, but I felt like crap when we were apart. I was losing control and I was losing my freedom. Then we started fighting more, because you didn't trust me and I… I needed to be me again. And I didn't want to lose you. I wanted to keep our friendship and couldn't stand the thought of losing you completely, because I knew this was where we were heading back then. I knew enough to know that none of your exes was in your life anymore, because it always ended so badly. And I needed you in my life. The more rational part of me, didn't want the drama of a bad break up anywhere near Drag Race and the tour. That's why I broke up with you before things could escalate to a really messed up place. I made it clear that I wanted to be your friend, but couldn't be your boyfriend." Jose nods his head and keeps looking at him with wide eyes, bites his lip and tries not to get too upset or cry. Brock knows that look. He hopes it'll be gone by the end of today's session, because seeing it hurts him physically.

"It worked for a while, but I missed you. I missed us. The forced online flirting during the airing of the season didn't help. I wanted to get drunk every time I went on insta or twitter. I wanted it to be real, all the comments about being together, coming home to each other… The reunion came, the tour and suddenly we were around each other again every day, in a small tour bus no less. I tried to stay away, Jo, but we were friends and we were becoming really close, and, like, I was so attracted to you. And suddenly, just like with those first kisses, I don't know how it happened, but we were hooking up. And it freaked me out. I tried to convince myself it was just causal sex, that's why I always left right after. But it wasn't. And I am so sorry that I hurt you! But you went along, you never said anything and it hurt me too. But I couldn't stop, I missed you too fucking much and so I took whatever I could get. I didn't know what to do, because we couldn't be a couple, but we couldn't stay away from each other and it fucked me up. All the hooking up with others that you saw, the flirting, kissing… everything, that was me trying to go back to before, to what I thought was me before you… but it didn't feel right. I was spiralling out of control, you saw that during DxP. The drugs didn't help, the alcohol didn't… and then you were gone from the tour. You didn't even tell me. The others told me about the family emergency, but you didn't even tell me yourself, and I knew I hadn't only lost us, but also our friendship in this fucked up mess that we'd become. Honestly, I think we never stood a chance. Getting together on drag Race was both the best thing, because it made us fall so hard and get to know each other so well without sex. And the worst thing, because we couldn't make it afterwards. It was just so fucked up." Brock's hands are shaking when he reaches for the glass of water that the therapist places in front of him without saying anything.

"The Branjie show… There was no way I could have gone through it sober. The banter was still there in some moments, but you kept moving away from me, mocked me. You were so bitter and I knew it was my fault, just like during the reunion. No one believed me. I didn't believe myself. I wasn't using you or us, I just didn't know what to do. So I relied on icy and professional Brooke, until I needed drunk and flirty Brooke. We had to pretend everything was ok, but I was dying every time you hugged me without any strength behind it just for the camera. Or those stupid pecks, where our lips barely touched and then we'd fake smile for the cameras or audience." He takes another sip of water, then places the glass back on the table and rests his forearms against his thighs.

"We barely saw each other and slowly I started feeling a bit better, not as out of control anymore. But what became clear to me after months of no contact was that I wanted you back as my boyfriend because I still loved you. I knew with certainty that I would never feel for anyone else what I felt for you. I met so many guys during the years apart, hooked up with some, but there was never the same connection."

"I remember meeting DJ at a show and he told me you had a new boyfriend, really nice guy and that he was travelling with you for a bit and you were crazy about it each other. It hurt so much. I had this phantasy of you breaking up and then us meeting again and getting back together. I felt like the worst person ever for thinking that way. Same later with Matt. I hated him, not because he was a bad guy, but because he had what I wanted."

There is still no reaction from Jose other than an occasional nod. Brock swallows hard, tries not to panic and continues. "When we ran into each other in LA, I knew that you had broken up and I hoped that we could talk and we would somehow get back together. We could never stay away from each other, so I wanted to make use of that to get you back. But you turned down my offer for coffee, didn't text afterwards, didn't contact me at all. It wasn't until after London at the airport that I realised you had unfollowed me on social media and changed your phone number. I had been checking your accounts the whole time, but it didn't even cross my mind to check if you were still following me."

"Seeing you in New York gave me hope. I was so excited and nervous. During dinner it was like us again, like old times and when we ended up at your apartment, I thought 'That's it. I'll get him back and he feels the same.' I didn't know that you'd become a pro at one night stands." He can't help the bitterness that creeps into his voice.

"I… it broke my heart. And then I met your boyfriend at Nina's. I couldn't stick around and watch it, so I went to the bathroom, cried, had a break down, then brushed myself off and decided that maybe it was time for me to accept that you'd move on. I tried to be the bigger person, be happy for you. Like immersion therapy, or whatever it is called, I decided that I should be around you and Matt so I could move on. And then you showed up alone to my house warming party, told me about the break up and about needing a place to stay… I tried talking myself out of asking you to move in, but, again, I couldn't. I told myself it was logical and made sense financially and would help us both… it was only temporary and we wouldn't even be around each other much… I'd be lying, if I said I didn't know it was all bull. I wanted you with me, because I still loved you and I wanted you back. There I said it… maybe I am the manipulative, cold and calculating bitch, like all these people were saying after the reunion. But I just wanted you back in my life. And then you moved in and it gave me hope and … and that's where I am supposed to stop, right?" Brock asked.

"Jose, how does hearing all this makes you feel?"

"Sad… fucking angry, like… like I am back there when he was dumping me. But also… relieved 'cause he loved me. I didn't know it then, but he did." Jose speaks slowly and seems to think about his words for once.

"If you could go back to any point in time in the timeframe Brock has just talked about, which point would it be and what would you tell yourself or Brock? What would you change?"

Jose thinks about it for what seems like an eternity. Brock gets more and more nervous, but he can only wait. "I, like, I believe that Brock's right and we didn't have a chance at first. Not with the crazy contracts and shit. I think, I think I'd go back to the break-up and tell us both, that I know shit is going to suck real bad, and we'll both fuck up, but we'll make it in he end. 'Cause I know we will. But I wouldn't change anything, not even all the fucking drama, because without it, I don't think we'd be sitting here today, we'd not be communicating right, I'd still not trust him and think he cheated, he'd still panic and run… No, I wouldn't change anything, boo." Jose looks at Brock again, serious and calm. Brock thinks he's rarely heard wiser words than what Jose just said.

"Is there anything you want to tell him now, before you tell your side of the story?"

"I'm sorry that I always assumed and judged you like you were one of my cheating deadbeat exes. I should have asked. And also I'm sorry I tried making us a couple in one of them chick flicks. That's ain't fair. I'm real sorry for that."

"Brock, how do you feel now that you revealed your feelings and fears to Jose?"

"Scared. Relieved. I was kind of waiting for the shoe to drop, when he'd tell me what a fucking asshole I was, when he hears all of it; realised that I was too scared to fight for us. But he's still here, so that's good."

"You really are a dumbass, if you don't get it in your thick Canadian skull that I ain't ever gonna leave until you kick my ass out. I might kick your ass, but thats's it." Jose finally lets go of his knee, sits up and holds his arms open. With a relieved sigh Brock falls into them.

"I'm surprised I didn't have another anxiety attack." He mumbles into Jose's shoulder.

"Wait 'til I'm talking. Might give you one, if that's what you waiting for," Jose teases, but presses a kiss to Brock's hair. Then he lets go of him.

"You're ready, Jose?"

"I was born ready," he nods, then turns to Brock. "Need to hold my hand so you can let go, if _you_ getting angry?" he smiles and holds his hand out.

"I'm not letting go!" Brock vows and takes the offered hand, readies himself to listen.

"My first thought, when I saw you out of drag, was 'Fuck, he's even hotter in person'. And I knew you were plenty hot cause I'd been stalking your ass online, also asked 'round some. I knew what kind of ho you were, you had a reputation. Alexis told me about your shenanigans at pageants and knew of all the hos you made out with. Didn't know about Nina, so once that came out, I knew there'd be even more. You're right, flirting at first was just for fun. And you started it, don't pretend! I thought if you'd flirt with all them other bitches, why not with me and make them long hours filming a bit more fun." They both smile at the memories of the countless hours they spent flirting on set.

"But you were more than what I thought. I remember when you suddenly were all anxious and doubted yourself, thought you'd get send home. You told me, came to me and opened up about all that. I liked it, made me feel real special. And once we kissed, I knew I was fucked, because bitch, that was right out of some romantic movie. There were not only butterflies, but fireworks and all. I didn't give a shit about the cameras, because I knew this was no camera fling for us. But I still wanted it to be ours, so I'm glad we didn't really do too much or say too much on air. I was happy when filming was over and we got to spend some time together. Traveling with you or really any time spent with you was perfect. I was travelling a whole fucking lot, but I knew I loved you because I missed you so much, when we weren't together. I got greedy, I wanted more of you, of us, but you started saying 'no' more and more. That fucking hurt. I tried everything to keep you. I called you more, flew in as much as I could, asked you to come with me, move to L.A…. anything just to keep you. I'd say something, you got angry, we fought, we hung up, I cried or got drunk. Jason said I was fucking up gigs. I spent more time stalking your videos online than doing my mug backstage or rehearsing. You were flirting with everyone, but not with me. I felt like you didn't want me no more, already had other men lined up. The signs were all there, just like in my last relationships and I didn't wanna see them, but did. I thought you were cheating and lying. I hated you and loved you at the same time. Real fucked up shit. I wanted to talk to you, make it right but you kept brushing me off over the phone and we barely saw each other. And when we did again, you dumped me. And I couldn't even be real angry cause you were right. All we did was fight and it did suck and I wanted to remain your friend. I mean, for a while we were doing better. We weren't together and I cried into my pillow every night, but at least we weren't fighting." Jose shrugs his shoulders and Brock runs his thumb over the back of the hand he is still holding. Hearing what an incredible mess they made because of their inability to talk about their feelings and thoughts, made it crystal clear, how much they needed this therapy. They were both scared and fucked up and two minuses didn't make a plus in this case.

"Every time we hooked up I thought we'd get back together. And then we were done and you'd kick me out of bed or leave yourself and… " Jose shakes his head and rubs his eyes with his free hand. "You hurt me, Brock. You fucking destroyed me." Now the tears fall, roll slowly down Jose's cheeks. "You said you were my friend and you cared about me, but you were like… you didn't give a shit that you were breaking my heart. That's what I felt like back then. And I hated you! How could you fuck me one night and then kiss some other guy the next night right in front of me? One night I got so wasted and high, if Yvie hadn't held me back, I'm sure I would have beat you up right there in the club. But I couldn't stop. Like a fucking addict every time you offered, I accepted. No one made me, it was my own damn fault. Silky was kicking my ass about it, Alexis tried telling me no, even my mama said I was a stupid idiot… It like I wanted you to hurt me, because it was better than you not paying me any mind." Jose wipes the tears off his face. "Nina told me what you did in Amsterdam and I lost it. Jason told me he'd had enough, I'd ruin everything if I stayed. There was no family emergency. I was the fucking emergency, my broken heart, me crying all the time. I went home and my mama stayed with me for a week, put me back together. She told me to save myself and stay away. I listened and unfollowed you. We did that one fucking Branjie show and then I needed a break. I couldn't see you no more. I got better, but I still loved you. I still didn't understand why you did what you did, so I tried it, thought maybe I'd get it. I hooked up with everyone, whored my way through the clubs, topped, bottomed, tried the dark rooms and the Grindr shit. It was easy on tour and it distracted me. I still felt like crap when I was alone. On my birthday, your birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve. I worked 'round the clock but stopped the ho'ing. Met a guy that was cute, said it was a relationship and he followed me, toured with me. He got on my nerves, we fought, it ended."

Brock knows about this part, because they have briefly talked about it before. It's still as horrible to hear about it the second time as it was the first time.

"I didn't go for coffee with you in L.A. because I didn't want to go back to falling in your bed and then you'd leave me. New York happened. Brock, I swear I thought I did exactly what I thought you wanted. I tried telling myself I could do hook ups with you. I couldn't. Got me all fucked up again." He takes Brock's glass of water and drinks the rest of it.

"I nearly didn't come to your house that night 'cause I didn't want you to know I was single again. I was afraid we'd fuck again, whole mess starting again. But you asked me to move in, look after the cats. That was like… I knew, if you trusted me with the cats you'd at least like me a bit and I was still your friend. I said yes, hoped it would make us get closer again and not strangers like we were. But I didn't think I'd stay past Halloween. I didn't think that you'd want anything more than maybe sex out of it and I'd get on your nerves again." He shrugs again and looks first at Brock, then to their therapist.

"Brock, what are you feeling now?" Dr. Laurie asks him the same question she asked Jose earlier.

"I'm… I don't know. I knew parts of the story already, but… why didn't either one of us ever say something? We were stupidly in love with each other the whole time and all we did was hurt each other. I guess that makes me sad, angry, frustrated," he rambles and has trouble putting everything into words that he feels.

"You just said it, Brock, you were 'stupidly' in love. And both of you had your own issues, none of which was oversharing of thoughts and feelings. To not scare each other off, you remained silent and hurt each other without intending to."

"Maybe the contracts weren't why we didn't stand a chance. We didn't give each other a chance because we were so fucking scared of messing anything up, that we messed it up even worse."

"What both of you went through in your past leaves wounds. And you should not leave them unattended, that's why we're opening them up here, so they don't fester anymore. It's important. And it's also important that you learn from past mistakes. So Brock, to which point would you go back? What would you tell yourselves or change?"

Brock now realises how difficult the question is. He plays with Jose's fingers as he mulls it over. "I think I'd go back to the tour after the breakup and tell myself to stop pretending that I was having fun with other guys. It won't help me and it just hurt Jose. I'm really sorry for that," he repeats and gives Jose's hand a squeeze. "But I agree with him. I wouldn't change anything but that, because he's right and we wouldn't be here now without the journey."

"Jose, how do you feel now?"

"Uhm… tired. Like I just danced three shows tucked and in heels. But also, like, lighter. There's no more shit to hide. We both know it all."

"Now that you know everything do you love Brock any less?"

"Of course not! How can you ask that! You crazy!" Jose exclaims, but Brock is aware that the lightness between them seems gone at the moment. Beside the hand holding they are not touching, not sitting particularly close and he doesn't dare to change it.

"Brock, same question." She ignores the death stare Jose gives her. Once she asks the question Jose is staring at Brock.

"No. If anything I love him more, because he knows how screwed up I was… am… and he still loves me." He admits, still aware of the unusual physical distance between them.

"Would you two be up for one last exercise today." They both groan. "It's just to wrap the wounds, so to say, so they can heal. And neither of you has to say anything."

"Oh?" Brock is surprised and Jose looks intrigued.

"I want both of you to stand up." They do. "A bit closer together so you are nearly touching. I will set a timer for five minutes now and all I want you to do is look into each others eyes. No talking. You are allowed to blink of course, but you are not allowed to look away. Alright?" They both nod and look at each other. But before the therapist has set the timer, they start laughing.

"This some fucked up shit, mama," Jose giggles.

"Can you just try and go with it?"

"Fine," he huffs and Brock winks at him, just as uncomfortable with the exercise as Jose is.

"And five minutes, starting, now."

They both have to try very hard not to laugh at first, aware of the fact that Dr. Laurie is watching them closely. But after a while Brock can feel a change. It stops being ridiculous and funny, instead he starts enjoying it. He's always loved Jose's eyes, so what's wrong with staring into them? They are so close he can feel the warmth of Jose's skin and his breaths on his face, even though they are not touching. That changes when Jose takes both of his hands and laces their fingers together, without breaking the eye contact. Brock lowers his head and rests his forehead against Jose's, their noses brushing. This, this is all he needs, he realises. Just him and Jose, close, no pretence, no walls, no bullshit. The epiphany makes him smile and he finds it mirrored on Jose's face. When the timer goes off, they both move at the same time and share one of the most intimate kisses they ever had, still looking into each other's eyes and smiling.

"Ok, thank you and see you both next time," Dr. Laurie snaps them out of their daze and for the first time they both wish that the therapy session wasn't over yet.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you this would be long. Hope you made it through ;)


	9. Invitations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your feedback on the last chapter. It really means a lot!

**Chapter 9: Invitations**

Jose is in a really good mood as he prances into their therapist's office, swinging his and Brock's linked hands between them. "Hello, hello, hello, Mary."

"Hello Jose, hello Brock. I wasn't aware I changed my name," the good doctor replies, but smiles. He takes it as a good sign.

"Just ignore him. He's a mood today" Brock rolls his eyes and sits down on the sofa. Jose knows though, that he is amused by him, because he always is.

"You being a sour puss today, all snippy and shady, that's a whole mood. I'm just real happy, mama." He claps his hands in excitement.

"It's good to know you're happy."

"Damn right I am! Because, ladies and gentlemen, the show planning has started, the owl has landed and we nearly ready for take off!" He sees the doctor and Brock exchange a look.

"He realised yesterday, that his birthday is in two weeks and has started planning his birthday bash. Apparently I've missed so far in my life, that a birthday is not just a single day, but a whole week of 'fun' activities, that anyone you choose has to participate in." Brock explains all ironic and shit.

"You such a shady ho, B. If you don't stop playing, Imma just gonna grab Silks, Nina, DJ and Steve and my mama and your shady ass can stay home while we out having fun and being funny Vanjie style!"

"Ok, fine by me," Brock shrugs and Jose stops, his eyes widening and his mouth dropping open in shock. Brock just looks at him again, relaxes against the back of the couch.

"Wha…?" Jose is so shocked he can't even finish one word.

"That, boo, was a joke and funny," Brock cracks up. It takes a moment for Jose to get it, but then he's tackling Brock into the sofa, lightly boxing his fists into Brock's chest. The idiot just tries to catch his hands, giggling away.

"You bitch! How can you do this to me? What'd I do to you?" Jose shrieks and goes on to tickle him, hoping for submission on his man's part. He knows exactly where his fingers have to go, to make Brock howl with laughter. "You better give me the mother-fucking best present in the world for the shit you do to me."

"Stop, stop!" Brock laughs, his face all red, with tears running down his face.

"What do you say?" he asks and holds Brock's hands down against the back of the couch.

"Merry Christmas?" he uses one of Jose's own catchphrases. Another round of tickling follows.

"Got something to say, bitch?" Jose raises one eyebrow.

"Sorry," Brock giggles and Jose lets him go. When Brock sits up Jose finally cracks and smiles as well. Now they are both chuckling. "God, we are both ridiculous," Brock snorts.

"Real mature hos," Jose agrees and suddenly remembers where they are. When he turns, he finds Dr. Laurie watching them, munching some popcorn. He exchanges a stunned look with Brock.

"Knew it would come in handy," Dr. Laurie shrugs and closes the bag with the popcorn. "You done or should I keep eating?"

"You really something, Mary," Jose shakes his head. "Are you gonna come to my birthday party?" he asks her.

"No."

"I haven't even told you yet what we gonna do and when's it gonna be!" Now Jose is really offended.

"Jose, I'm your therapist not your friend," Dr. Laurie points out.

"Would you go to his birthday party?" he points at Brock, because he looks mighty smug all of a sudden.

"No."

"Ha!"

"What? I never said she'd come to my party," Brock shrugs with pursed lips.

"I know what you thinking, boo." Jose gives him a knowing look, then turns his attention back to their therapist. "Now listen, doctor Laurie, there'll be a lot of drag queens there and where there's drag, there's drama. All them hos could use a dope therapist like you. You'd just make a good business decision by coming to my birthday party. I'd introduce you and everything, give you some intel on the shit they do…" He gives her his most charming smile and tries to change her mind.

"That is very thoughtful of you Jose," he preens at the compliment. "But my answer is still no." Brock burst out laughing and Jose slaps his arm again.

"Hey, no physical abuse, you're breaking the rules here," Brock points out, but Jose just huffs and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"You both suck." He pouts.

"Come here, papi," Brock smirks and pulls him into his arms, so Jose's back is resting against his chest. He tries to keep pretending that he's mad, but he can't help but snuggle into his man's body and get comfortable.

"Can we start now?" their therapist asks.

"Yes," they both agree and Jose finally uncrosses his arms when Brock places a smooch on the top of his head.

"Good. Since you said last time that you don't want to use the questions as an opener, we will do something else today. I will ask you a question and each of you writes down an answer. Then we see if they match."

"Ha! We finally on couples for cash!"

"Haven't you been on like twice?" Brock wonders.

"Bitch, that was besties for cash and mother kid for cash or some shit. I've never done it with my boo, cause you dumped my ass before we could. But maybe we should now? We'd win the coins with all the communicating we doing."

"Absolutely not, uh-uh, no way," Brock shakes his head.

"Why?"

"Cause I hate playing stupid games on camera."

"Right, like that time they made you play taboo. You were OVER IT." Jose remembers with a smirk.

"We're ready," Brock decides, getting them back on track.

"Ok, pens and paper are on the table. Here's the first question: "Who is the better driver?" They both write down their answers. "Brock, what did you write?"

"I wrote 'Me', because it's the truth."

"You playing! I wrote 'Me'." Jose protests.

"How many DUYs have you had? Like fifteen that I know of?"

"Just cause I'm getting caught when I'm getting home after a gig doesn't mean I'm not a dope ass driver. And who owns the car, huh?"

"That wasn't the question, boo," Brock winks at him. "Next?"

"Who is the dominating part in the relationship?" They both turn their pieces of paper. Brock has written 'Jose', Jose's paper says 'Brock'.

"Me? Since when am I dominating?" Brock asks.

"Since like… always. You the top most of the time, so you dominating. And I'm not only talking about the bedroom. It's a law in the gay world, everybody knows that."

"You're a power bottom, so what about that? And I am also not only talking about the bedroom. You dominate like every conversation when you want to."

"I am loud as fuck, but you more subtle. You rule with shade and them eyes. One look and I am too fucking scared to say shit. That's dominating. And you're taler."

"What does my…"

Brock is interrupted by their therapist "Can you agree to disagree on that one?"

"No!" Brock insists. "He's just not right this time. There is no way that anyone would consider me to have any kind of dominance in this relationship. That's not me."

"You a control freak, boo. But fine. You say I am dominant, I take it. I'll remind you when we home and you bossing me around again." Jose just places his hand over Brock's mouth when he wants to say something more. "Next?" he asks instead.

"Who is the better cook?"

"Uber eats," Jose reads what Brock has written. "True. Mine says 'We can't cook for shit'.We won ten dollars!" Jose holds his hand up for a high five and Brock accepts.

"Something we agree on," Brock still grumbles a bit, but accepts the unspoken peace offer.

"Alright, so tell me, how have you two been doing since the last time?"

"Good, right?" Brock looks questioningly at Jose.

"Mmmh, we good. We talked about it some more at home. 'Cause I didn't know if I'm not like annoying or some shit. When I get too much… and we just… I ask now when I'm not sure. Or he tells me."

"Have there been situations before when you held back, because you were afraid how the other one would react?"

"Yeah," Jose nods his head fast.

"Would you tell us when?"

"Like… we were just hooking up and not really together then, but I really wanted to get the watch engraved that I got him for his birthday. Then I was scared he would run and kick me out of the house, if my name was anywhere on it," he admits.

"I kind of thought there would be an engraving when I unpacked it. And it wouldn't have been too much. Not at all. And you know I love the watch, right?"

"You always wearing it," Jose smiles, knowing that even now it's hidden underneath Brock's sleeve. He nestles back against his side, earning himself another kiss on his hair.

"Brock, have you had similar thoughts?"

"Still do, actually," he admits and Jose cranes his neck to look up at him.

"With what, boo? Tell me," he requests softly.

"I… you remember the talk you overheard when you thought I wanted you out of the house?" Jose nods. "Back then Steve and I were making plans for renovating the house, giving it a spruce. And we still haven't done that."

"You wanna paint the house?"

"Yeah, I think it's necessary."

"Why didn't you just say? I can help."

"I was scared to go anywhere near the topic because I didn't know how you'd react. Just thinking about that morning still gives me anxiety."

Jose rolls his eyes. "We renovating. After my birthday you tell me what colors you thought about, and I tell you 'no' and pick something else and then we gonna be fixer uppers."

"You gonna choose the colors now?"

"I'm the dominating one," Jose smirks, knowing he is being absolutely bratty.

"I knew that one would bite me in the ass real soon."

"Your anxious ass all good now?"

"Perfect," Brock nods.

"We might come back to the rest of your past in one of the next sessions, but I'd like to look into the future today. Is that ok?" the doctor is setting the topic for the session. They both nod. "Have you talked about the future?"

"Depends," Brock replies. "How far in the future are we talking?"

"However far you want to go."

"We made plans for like the tour, Christmas, New Years Eve. We already confirmed some gigs for next year. Some together, some not."

"These are all in the very near future and all about your career. I am more referring to your private life. Like, what are things you are looking forward to experiencing together? What plans do you have as a couple? Where do you see yourself in two years, five years, ten years?" Brock and Jose look at each other, both realising that they have not really talked about any of that.

"I thought about stuff, of course. Dreamed of some stuff, too. But we never talked about it, cause I don't wanna freak him out. I just got him back and he finally want to be with me, like as a real boyfriend. Don't need to scare him away with shit that might never happen." Jose speaks up while Brock seems to be deep in thought.

"You're right it might not happen. But by not saying anything, you're also denying yourself the opportunity of it ever happening. And then you might look back one day, realise what you missed out on and resent each other. Talking about hopes and wishes for the future doesn't mean it has to come true, just that it might, if both like the idea." Jose thinks about Laurie' s words and finally nods.

"True dat."

"Jose, from the top of your head, can you tell Brock three things you'd like to experience with him in the near or far future. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something you imagined or thought about."

Jose leans forward and Brock's arm that lay around his shoulders, slides down the back of the sofa. "Child…. you really setting me up here," Jose groans and really wishes he could get out of this talk or at least that Brock would go first. He just looks at him and waits and Jose is aware he won't be getting out of this. "Fine." He sighs. "I think, I'd really like for us to meet each others family, like all of them and maybe bring them together for a birthday or something. We not one big family, but like a couple of small ones and, like… Seeing them all together at once and meeting each other would be dope."

"Ok, that's number one."

"Number two… we travel together a lot, but it always for work. I wanna go on a vacation. Two weeks or three, no phones or managers, no friends, no drag and no social media shit. Just hanging by the beach, sleeping in, sightseeing, eating seafood… maybe a cruise? I don't know. Just get away, only the two of us, me and my man." His voice gets more and more dreamy the longer he talks. He didn't realise how much he wants the vacation until he said the words out loud. He's never been on a vacation with a boyfriend and it's never something he thought about until he met Brock. Maybe the trips Brock won on DragRace have something to do with it, but when he is stressed, he finds himself dreaming about it.

"Ok and number three?"

"Number three is in the future for real, because we ain't got no time right now, but I want us to get another pet, like a cat or a dog, that is ours, shared custody right from the start. Don't get me wrong I love the kitty cats and I know you love Riley, but it not the same." Jose tells Brock, who simply nods, seeing his point apparently.

"Thank you, Jose. Brock, what three things come to your mind?"

"Vacation is definitely one of them," Brock says and Jose smiles when he hears it and does a little wiggle dance in his seat. "We could use some of the trips I won or just go wherever, but I totally think we've earned it."

"Aruba here we come." Jose raises his arms overhis head in victory.

"Uhm, number two is a bit more…. practical? Not really romantic?" Brock seems to wonder how to phrase it. Jose waits and turns sideways in his seat so he can see him better. "I know that my lease isn't up for a while, but at some point I'd really like to buy something, a house or an apartment, like, together? Right now the house we live in, all the paperwork is just signed by me, even though we share the costs and all. And I think that sometimes you hold back when it comes to buying furniture, decorations or the spruce we talked about. I think if it'd be ours, or you felt like it was ours and not just mine, then you'd already kicked my ass about painting the place."

Jose opens his mouth to say something, but Laurie stops him. "Just one more, then you can comment on each others ideas."

"Number three…. shit… number three would be, like…" Brock gets nervous and Jose wonders what he is thinking about. Buying a house together is huge and it didn't get him that nervous. He forces himself to remain quiet and just be patient. "I…. I really don't know how or when… or like, if ever, but… one day…. in the very distant future… I'd really like for us to get married and make it all…" he doesn't get any further. Jose has burst into tears and is sobbing into his neck, becausehe can't believe what Brock just said. He is overjoyed. He knows that it might never happen, but the fact alone that Brock is even thinking about getting married to him is more than he ever expected. He clings to him and feels him rubbing his back, while chuckling into his shoulder. Jose knows he is overreacting and crying isn't really sexy, but this… this is too much. "Papi, you know this wasn't a proposal, right? You heard the part about the very distant future?" Brock asks him, part hesitant, part amused.

"I know," Jose sniffs and tries to get himself under control again. He wipes his eyes when he pulls back. "I'm just shocked your ho ass even think about marrying me." He admits and takes the tissue that Laurie is handing him.

"My ho ass is obviously less of a ho ass than you thought, boo," Brock teases him.

"No, but after all the freedom shit, I can't believe that you'd even think about buying a house and putting a ring on it. There not much more commitment than that. What next? You wanna get me pregnant and have kids?" Jose tries to joke, but really wonders, if that's what Bock will come up with next. The kids, not the getting him pregnant part, obviously.

"I've never wanted kids, still don't. But if that's something you really want in the future we should at least talk about it," Brock replies.

"Nah, we good. Furry babies are all that I want. We on the same page here. Your mommy necklace will stay just for the fans, cats and dogs. If we want someone to spit up on us or cry, we can always borrow some nephews or nieces."

"What about the other things? So far you agreed on a vacation and on not having children. It looks like Jose is not opposed to the concept of marriage either," Laurie says with a smile.

"You bet, Dr. Laurie. No matter when he gonna propose, I'm gonna accept."

"Why do I have to be the one to propose?" Brock asks and pulls Jose back against his side.

"'Cause it was your idea? And cause I'd totally wear a diamond ring and you wouldn't. At least not out of drag."

"What about the other ideas Jose had, Brock?"

"The family bash and another pet? Sure, whenever we find the time. I mean, obviously we shouldn't get another cat or dog right now because we're barely home. But yeah, why not?"

"And Jose? What about Brock's idea of buying real estate together."

"Makes sense. Maybe we can start looking and if we find something, we buy it. Don't think getting out of the lease is a problem. Especially once we done painting. It gonna look so fresh! We could get like dark green for the living room? Or maybe blue 'cause of the pool outside?" Jose starts.

"Ok, then I don't want to interrupt your planning," the doctor laughs before Brock is able to reply. "We end this session now. Your homework will be to make three specific plans for the next months. It needs to be something you will do together and it shouldn't be work related. It can be a date, some fun activity, a short trip somewhere, cooking together… whatever you come up with. Agree on three things, make time for it, and plan it together. Alright?"

"Alright." They both agree.

"Then see you next time."

"See you next time."

"Hey, Dr.Laurie?" Jose stops in the doorway on the way out. "But if we invite you to our wedding you have to say yes!" Brock and the therapist both groan and roll their eyes, which makes Jose laugh.

**TBC**


	10. It's gonna be hard

**Chapter 10: It's gonna be hard**

"Happy belated birthday Jose," the therapist says as soon as they walk through the door. Of course he loves that and gives her a hug.

"Aw, thank you doc. Can't believe you remembered."

"Of course, I do. How was your party?"

"So dope! You really missed something. Right?" he turns to Brock, who is already sitting on the sofa.

"It was pretty epic, yeah," he confirms. "We were both hung over for the next two days, but it was worth it."

"Told ya we shouldn't play drinking games with my mama. She always winning." Jose grins as he sits down beside him. "And look, Dr. Laurie, what my man got me!" Brock knew that Jose would do this and feels a bit proud. Ever since Jose opened his birthday present he's been showing it off to everyone they meet. He takes off the white-gold Gucci bracelet and hands it to their therapist. "Look on the inside."

"Jose…all of you. Forever. Everyday. You and me…. Brock" she reads and seems puzzled.

"It's from the Notebook." Jose lets her know.

"The whole quote was too long, so I shortened it a bit, because he knows it by heart anyway."

"You bet I do! 'So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday'. Isn't that real sweet?" He gushes and smiles at Brock, hearts in his eyes.

"And very true as well." Laurie hands him the bracelet back and Jose puts it back on. He hasn't taken it off since he got it, other than to shower or do drag that is.

"He the best! My man! My baby boo! My twinkle toes!" Suddenly Jose is sitting in his lap, hugging him tightly. Brock should be used to the overexcitement about the bracelet, but Jose is simply not calming down. When he showed the bracelet off to Kameron before a gig a couple of days ago, Jose nearly ravished him right there in the dressing room. Thank god, it had been Kam and not Asia, otherwise the whole thing would have ended up on instagram.

"You got my watch engraved as well, so we're even," Brock tries to calm him down.

"Yeah I did!" Proud Jose is back and it's adorable.

"So, are you ready to start with today's session?"

"Whatcha planning, doc?"

"I thought we could start with another little exercise again. It's called 'five things'."

"I'm ready," Brock vows.

"Me too," Jose agrees.

"You gonna stay here papi? Or do you wanna go back to your seat?" Brock raises one eyebrow.

"I'm comfy." Why did he even ask? It's a no-brainer that Jose won't budge. Instead his boyfriend simply snuggles closer and rests his cheek against his shoulder.

"Fine. Use me." Brock sighs dramatically.

Jose wraps his arms around his middle and brings his lips up to his ear. "I'm gonna, when we home, don't worry. I'm gonna use you sooo good," he rasps and gently bites Brock's ear, knows exactly what it does to him.

He groans again, for a totally different reason this time. "Off you go, if you can't behave," he tells him as he lifts him off his lap and places him on the sofa.

"You mean." The exaggerated pout is back.

"I think you've got us in enough sticky situations since your birthday."

"Mmmh, sticky situations…I sure did. And so did you." Jose keeps teasing.

"Jose, is there a special reason for your seemingly heightened sex drive these days?" Dr. Laurie asks. The question is enough to sober him instantly.

"Can't I be all loved up with my sexy boyfriend?"

"Loved up? I don't know what they used when they made that bracelet, maybe they put Viagra in there, but you've been constantly horny since you put it on for the first time. It's been two weeks!"

"You really complaining about too much sex, bitch?"

"No, of course not. There's no such thing as too much sex. But please, wait until we're home orat least alone. Your sudden exhibitionistic tendencies are a bit strange."

"I am no extibi… exihtibio…. one of those hos! Only one who gets to see your goods is me!"

"That is good to know, so I don't have to fear you two having sex in here while I have to watch. You're ready for 'five things'?" Once again their therapist tries to get them back on track.

"Yes, mama," Jose finally agrees again.

"Name five things your partner did for you today."

"You brought me coffee this morning," Brock says out loud the first thing that comes to his mind.

"You washed and blocked two wings for me." Jose does the same.

"You ironed the shirts I'll need for the tour."

"You took care of the flight fuck up."

"You talked to my mom about the presents for my family."

"Yeah, I better, otherwise there won't be any," Jose teases.

"Hey, who got you the bracelet?" he reminds him.

"You did, twinkle toes." The dopey smile is back on Jose's face.

"Number three, Jose?" Laurie reminds him.

"You walked Riley for me 'cause me knee hurt."

"Number four…" Brock has to think about it for a moment. It's just two in the afternoon after all. "You vacuumed again even though it was my turn."

"You were talking business shit with Steve," Jose shrugs. "My number four… you let me choose the music in the car without bitching."

"You let me drive without complaining, that's my number five."

"My number five…you all worried and treating my knee before we left. I appreciate it." Jose names his last point.

"That's five. Thank you!" The doctor looks down on her notepad and reads through her notes. "You mentioned Christmas. What are your plans for Christmas?"

"We're gonna stop in Toronto a day before Christmas and then spend it with my family. We're all gonna meet at my sister's place and celebrate there. Even my brother is coming with his family."

"So you will finally meet them all, Jose?" She smiles, because he mentioned that he wanted to.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm kinda nervous," he admits.

"Why?" Laurie asks.

"I only met his mama like, once. And his sister. But the rest…don't know them, they don't know me." He turns to Brock."And you always say you don't really talk to your other sister that much and your brother all manly and shit. That's not people I usually fly with," he admits. "And then there's your dad…"

"What about him?" the therapists digs deeper, looking at the both of them.

"Other than my sister and my mom, my immediate family isn't really, like, with some I just don't have anything in common and we don't really know what to talk about. We say hi, do a bit of smalltalk. And then with my dad, there's just, like,he is so uncomfortable with my lifestyle, my job, me being gay that we just don't bring it up. It's easier that way. But with Jose right there, like, I get why he is nervous, cause I myself don't know how that will go." Brock speaks up and tries to explain the dynamics in his family.

"Do you think your father will ignore you or attack Jose?"

"No, he won't. I think, like, he will just… talk to him about the weather, my nieces and nephews, food and then look away if we, like, touch or god forbid kiss in front of him. I think, as long as he just knows I'm gay and a drag queen he can pretend it's not real. But, like, seeing it, is gonna be something else." He thinks aloud. "I am sure he won't attack Jose or anything, he's too polite for that and he knows he has nothing to do with me being the way I am."

"Do you feel accepted by your family?"

"My sister definitely, my mom is really getting there, the rest… not so much, no."

"Did you know about it, Jose? About the family situation?"

"Yeah, he talk about it sometimes. And I sure know he only talking to his sister and mom most of the time."

"Do you think maybe you knowing he feels not really accepted is what's making you nervous about meeting them?"

"Mmh. I know I'll lose my shit, if they don't treat him right. I don't care if they think I'm too dumb or too gay or to whatever. But hate on him while I'm there and I'm gonna whoop their ass and I don't care if it Christmas or not." Jose replies, his protectiveness coming through.

"You know you don't have to fight my battles, right? And I'm sure they'll love Vanjie, probably more than they love me, I just can't guarantee that they'll ever accept 'us' completely."

"Everybody loves Vanjie," Jose replies, but there is something in the way he says it that gives Brock pause. Laurie seems to have picked up on it as well because her eyes zoom in on Jose, before she wipes her face clean again andscribbles something down on her notepad.

"Jose, what about your family? Do they accept you fully?" Brock has a feeling she might be building up to something with this question. It's not what he expected her to ask after the look he just saw on her face.

"My mom is my biggest fan, she loves Miss Vanjie and thinks she exactly like her. My grandma and aunt too. My brothers… they think I'm crazy. We just different."

"How did they react when you came out?"

"My mama said she'd always known. My brothers were surprised cause I was like all crazy and stuff, but had a girlfriend for a bit, always acted all like a manly dude. Grew a beard… I looked as hood as possible but as a guy. And then they all knew I was gay and I moved out, started working for a make-up store, started wearing make-up. I know my older brother didn't like it. I think my younger brother was ashamed, 'cause he got all the shit from his buddies at school. They couldn't mess me up though, cause my mama loved the make up. She always wanted a daughter and then she suddenly had me and I became the favorite. Well, Vanjie became the favorite."

"You say that like Vanjie and you are two separate people."

"We are."

"Do you agree with that Brock?"

"Yeah like… well, for one Vanjie isn't real. It's a character, just like Brooke. Vanjie is always loud, funny, slutty, crass, really chaotic… sometimes shady." He starts. "Jose can be all of that too, like,I think with the characters we pick out parts in our own personalities and use them, but like, Jose is… gentle, kind, not nearly as loud, very polite and respectful, thoughtful, a lot more intelligent and cultured… like, I couldn't be in a relationship with Vanjie. But I love Jose." Brock finishes and is surprised when he sees tears swimming in Jose's eyes, that he tries to hide with a smile.

"Why does that make you emotional, Jose?" Laurie asks him.

"'Cause… he love me for me and not for Vanjie." He replies hesitantly.

"Do you believe that there are people who love Vanjie more than Jose?"

"Everyone," Jose tries to make it funny and uses Vanjie's voice, but Brock hears the bitterness in it. "The fans, my colleagues, my family. Everyone but my boo."

"Even your mother?" Brock asks. Is that really what Jo thinks? He himself is fretting over his family not liking his Brooke Lynn side, but he knows they love him as Brock. But how awful must it feel to think that people only like you as someone your are not? And yet, Jose has never said a word about it.

"My mama is crazy for Vanjie. It always Miss Vanjie this and Miss Vanjie that. She even thank me for her birthday presents saying'Thank you Vanjie'. She don't need me no more, she got her." Jose tries to put on a brave face, smiling throughout his speech, but it's clearly fake. He looks so sad all of a sudden that Brock pulls him tightly against his side and presses his lips against his temple.

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"No."

"What could you say to her to explain how you feel?" Laurie doesn't let it go.

"Nothin'."

"Don't you think you should tell her?"

"No."

"But if it makes you feel sad, she might want you to talk to her."

"No!"

"If she was here right now, how could you…"

Jose sits up and glares at her angrily, as he interrupts her by yelling at her. "I ain't ever gonna say shit to my mama about that! My mama always had my back and if she want me to be Vanjie for her, Imma gonna be Miss Vanjie for her for the rest of my fucking life! She raised me on her own with no help from nobody but my grandma and she worked her ass off to put food on the table and put clothes on my back! And then she grabbed my brother and moved here to LA to help out Vanjie with her shit, when I couldn't do it on my own. So, Imma buy her whatever the fuck she wants, cars, jewellery, perfume or a house, if that what she wants, as long as I can! And I'll keep my fucking mouth shut, because I won't ever hurt my mama or make her angry, because you tell me to talk to her about that shit! You got me?" Jose is furious. He's never been this angry during a therapy session before, ever. And this time the anger isn't directed at Brock, but at Laurie, who seems not too surprised by it.

Brock intervenes before Laurie can speak up again, he knows he has to. For once he is sure he knows better than the therapist, because he knows his boyfriend and understands that this level of anger only ever comes from a place of hurt with Jose. He leans forward, takes Jose's hands and makes him look at him. When he knows he got his attention and he is sure he won't jump up and leave the room, he speaks. "I hear you, papi. I promise I won't say anything about talking to your mom. I got ya. But can you tell me? Talk to me, Jo!" Jose slowly calms down, Brock can feel the tension leaving his body.

"I just… sometimes, I just wanna be me. But like… the fans only want me as Vanjie, I only get interviewed as Vanjie. And that fine 'cause that my job. It earns me the money. But then like… my mama always had my back, even when I was fucking up at school, got beat up by the bullies or got dumped by another man. But then since Vanjie went viral… my brother hated my guts before, now he calling to get merch to give to his friends. My younger brother didn't wanna hang with me no more for years and now we get invited to his bdays and shit, but I have to entertain the crowd, act a fool and pay for the whole party. Even Silks only wanna go party with Vanjie not with me, cause my loved up ass ain't flirting enough anymore with the men in the clubs. And then I go home to my mama for Sunday dinner and she sees me and you know what she saying? 'Miss Vanjie!' It like I'm not existing anymore sometimes." Jose finally loses the fight against the tears and Brock pulls him close and just holds him. There is nothing he can say to make this better, he can only listen.

"Jose, are you okay?" the doctor asks when he has calmed down and wipes his eyes with his shirt sleeves.

"Yeah," he nods and reluctantly turns to look at her. Brock holds him close though, they both need the contact at the moment because they both still feel very raw about what just happened and what Jose just said. Brock wishes Jose voiced these thoughts and the self doubt earlier, maybe it wouldn't have built to this level. "Sorry for yelling," Jose adds.

"That's ok, apology accepted." Doctor Laurie smiles at him. "Are you ok to listen to what I have to say now?" she asks him.

"Won't lose it again, promise," Jose mutters and presses closer to Brock.

"It's actually for both of you," she starts, but it doesn't really upset Brock. His focus is solely on Jose. "We have touched on the topic of your families a couple of times already and each time the love you have for your mothers especially, really shone through. You both know that your mothers love you, from what you said they were always there and did whatever they could to accept you. And yet, there are things you haven't addressed with them. Brock, you seem to have more of an issue with your father, but especially during the session about your anxiety, you revealed how much of the feelings of anxiety, fear of failing and guilt are rooted in your childhood. And Jose, you seem to have observed and felt a shift in your relationship with your family after your sudden success and fame and it led you to believe that your mother loves Vanjie more than she loves you." They hold each other tightly, the words ringing true. "I obviously don't know your mothers, but they sound like amazing women. And maybe, one day soon or one day in the future, it is time to talk to them and come clean. Not to blame them or make them angry, but to give them a chance to speak for themselves. This fear and uncertainty you are experiencing might come between you and your mothers and just like the two of you hurt each other by being silent for too long, it might hurt your mothers and your relationships with them." They both remain silent, thinking about Laurie's words. "So, you might want to give them a chance? Or at least think about it?"

"I will definitely think about it," Brock promises.

"Me, too. Got ya, doc," Jose mumbles.

"How about we stop here for today? That was a lot." The therapist offers.

"It not cause I lost it, right? I'm really sorry, Dr. Laurie," Jose hurries to say.

"Nothing to do with it, Jose. I was kind of needling you, pushing you to crack, to be honest. You have a way of avoid talking about the things that hurt and I needed you to go there and crack your shell open. You forgive me for that?" she asks him.

Jose gets up and gives her a hug. "No hard feelings."

"Thank you," she says. "And because it's not too far until Christmas, let me just tell you that you've both come very far and Brock, your reaction to Jose's outburst today was just proof of that, as was the way you calmed down and opened up to your partner, Jose. You can both be very proud. Soon, you won't need me anymore."

"You just try'na get rid of us, mama. I got your number. But, not yet. First we brought you an early Christmas present, 'cause we won't be back until the new year," Brock pulls the package out of Jose's backpack and hands it to their therapist, now that Jose has revealed it.

"Oh thank you, but that wasn't necessary."

"You're welcome," Brock tells her and gives her a hug as well.

"See you in the new year, doc. All fresh and shiny. And no peeking until Christmas or Santa's little elves will whoop your ass."

Laurie laughs. "Have fun you two. Enjoy your tour and Christmas and New Year's Eve. Keep communicating."

"You betcha. I'm communicating right now! I tell him that his present better be as good as mine for him, cause it's dope! As dope as the love bracelet he gave me for my birthday! Cause you know, today just proved that 'it not gonna be easy. It gonna be real hard; but you and me, baby, everyday… every motherfuckin' day, bitch." Jose points out and takes Brock's hand.

"Spoken like the true romantic you are," Brock laughs. "Let's get you home and both of us fed. I'm hungry after all this drama!"

**TBC**


	11. Back from the edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again...

**Chapter 11: Back from the edge**

It feels like it's been forever since they were in this office, Jose thinks, but also knows that it's just been seven weeks. They had breaks before in their therapy, but never this long and never with that many things happening.

"Welcome back, you two! How are you?" their therapist greets them with a wide smile.

"Feeling good, doc. All new and shiny. It's a new year and shit."

"It's good to be back." Brock sounds relieved that they are back in therapy and his words actually reflect what he's feeling, Jose knows that. The last weeks have been especially hard on his man, who constantly worries how they are really doing and what the doctor would say to everything that has happened.

"It's good to have you back. How was your tour and your holidays?"

"Lord, where to start?" He sighs and exchanges a look with Brock.

"It was a lot, all of it." They both are at a loss where to start with their tale.

"Why don't we start with how you are feeling about your relationship and each other right now?" The doc seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to diving right into their shit.

"I'm feeling… good. I mean, like, we're doing good, I think. But also, it's… I… I'm shaken, I guess, cause… yeah, it was a lot…" Brock is fighting with his words, trying to string a coherent sentence together.

"How about you, Jose?"

"I feel him, doc, but I'm just glad we still here, together and that we talked and did all the other shit you told us when stuff got fucked up. And we made it. And I'm also proud, cause we both talked to our moms and had each others backs and all. That was some majorly adulting stuff and we did it." Jose nods his head along to his words.

"It sounds like a lot has happened. Why don't we do it chronologically this time?"

"You wanna start, boo, with your mother?" Brock asks him and his voice becomes softer, less freaked out.

"Yup," he agrees and shoots him a small smile, reassuring him that they will come out the other side and still be together. And Jose doesn't really care what their therapist says: He won't lose his man again! "Ok, here we go." He gets comfortable and then starts the first part of their tale. "Dunno, if you remember doc, but I had some issues about my mama and the whole Miss Vanjie thing?"

"I remember," she assures him. "Because the fans love miss Vanjie so much and your mother always calls you Vanjie, you feared that your mother loves you more when you are Vanjie than when you are being yourself."

"How do you remember all the shit we tell you? Don't you have no other clients?" Jose wonders aloud, completely surprised.

"That's what my notes are for, Jose," Laurie laughs and holds up her pen, reminding him that she keeps taking notes.

"Right, right." He nods. "So, like a day or two later she came over for something or other and then called me Miss Vanjie at some point. Doc, I swear, I lost it. Full on bawling baby shit crying. She looked at me like I even more crazy and says 'Vanjie stop crying', so I completely fucking loose it. Brock comes in and she thinking he done and did something to make me cry, cause to be real honest, usually when I'm crying he has something to do with it. So my mama get mad at him, so mad she only screaming in Spanish."

"The reference to Voldemort's head on fire was pretty accurate. If he hadn't been sobbing, I would have run for my life," Brock confirms and they both have to laugh about it.

"Now, I have to protect my boo from my mama, so I tell her that he ain't done shit this time, but that I'm crying because she loves me no more. She starts crying and then comes after me."

"I've never seen anything as crazy. They're both crying, yelling at each other in Spanish and I have to restrain her from slapping him with a magazine that was lying on the table, while trying to console him. Absolute mayhem!"

"Finally he has enough. He suddenly yelling at us to 'shut up' and then he goes full on Dr. Laurie. Makes us sit down on the couch and talk and all. He only needed a red wig and a pen and he could have been you, I swear."

"Someone needed to do something." Brock rolls his eyes.

"You know I'm crazy.Now you know my mama even more crazy," Jose laughs.

"So you talked about it? How did it go?" The doctor smiles as well, apparently picturing the scene.

"She said I'm a dumb ho and that she gonna fuck me up, if I ever think shit like that. And she promised that she only call me by my real name from now." Jose smiles brightly, very pleased with the outcome.

"She also explained that she's just so very proud of what he has achieved and about how talented he is. It was a very touching moment." Brock reports, his voice, smile and eyes becoming all soft and tender.

"She said sorry, I said sorry and I have my mama back."

"And then we all had a very good talk about us and our relationship. We also told her we're doing this therapy and told her a bit more about our issues. And like, it was surprising for me, but she made it clear that she is rooting for us and basically officially welcomed me to the family when I felt like she was still a bit hesitant before."

"Yup, you got the stamp of approval now, toes," Jose cackles. "And all the drama that comes with it."

"It's fucking nuts, that's what it is, but I kinda like it." Brock shrugs with a smile and wiggles his shoulders.

"What kind of drama?" the doctor's curiosity is peaked.

"When she saw us being adults and communicating and all, she started to tell us about my brother and the shit he gets into and some stuff at her work. Now she calling us for advice like we the 'help hotline for Latino mamas' and if she can't reach me she calling Brock and he has to take care of it." He snickers, remembering the latest incident.

"Stop laughing! It wasn't funny!" He tells him, but also has to laugh. "I was called in to mediate between Jo's brother and his grandmother and the rest of the family was picking sides. It was straight out of a movie."

"I pick up my phone and he screaming for me to get my ass to my mama's place or he's gonna leave and we have to run and hide afterwards so they won't hunt us down. I'm still glad Silks was driving or my drivers license would have been gone again."

"It sounds very chaotic, but you don't look like either of you mind too much," doctor Laurie says and they both exchange another look, one of understanding. "However, I want both of you to remember that it is not your duty to now solve problems in your family. The honesty you apparently showed in the talk with your mother, you should definitely keep and also use it to tell them when you don't want to be burdened with it."

"We know, doctor, I promise," Brock vows. "But it's like a cultural thing. Jose's older brother isn't here and he's next in line, so to speak. And I get dragged into it by association. It's really fine though. Crazy, but flattering too, to be so much a part of the family."

"Ok, sooo what else happened?" Laurie asks and Jose moves closer to Brock, knows they will both need to be closer for what is to come.

"I think we nearly broke up," Jose says out loud what's been weighing on both of their minds.

"Did you talk about breaking up? Threaten each other with it? What happened?"the therapist sits up straight and sounds genuinely surprised for the first time since they started therapy.

"No, but we fought… like… I lost it first, was mean and unfair, then yelled when he yelled. Provoked him, pushed his buttons…" Brock starts reluctantly.

"Smashed my phone when I threw it against the wall… then left cause I was scared I would fuck him up next," Jose admits and feels icy shame rush over him, even though his cheeks heat up. He doesn't want to remember these horrible days, but he knows they should talk about it.

"What happened? Brock?" Laurie turns to him. Jose takes his hand and squeezes it gently.

"It was the first real tour we did together on our own and at first everything was fine, we had fun, the fans loved it. But, like, we have such a different ethic and ideas when it comes to work. Jose went out basically every night after the show to party, while I just wanted to sleep. Then when he got back to the hotel, he woke me up when he stumbled in dead drunk. I started to sleep in Steve's room, because I couldn't take it anymore. And we didn't talk because between show, party, him sleepingin, travelling and then being late and hung over for the next meet and greet, there was just no time. We finally talked about the partying and slept in one room again shortly before Christmas. Our time in Canada was great, and we kind of avoided talking about the issues,but then after Christmas… like, it started with Jose forgetting one of his costumes at my mother's place. Then he lost his wallet at a club and we had to block all credit cards and get everything like ID, driver's license again once we got back to LA. He thought it was funny, I didn't. He kept being late for the meet and greets or skipped meetings with the promoters, and one day, the day before the last show, I lost it." Jose just listens calmly. They have talked about this in depth and he knows Brock's point of view, knows what he felt and thought. "I accused him of being unprofessional, careless and lazy. He said I was overbearing, no fun, uptight…"

"I sure didn't use these fancy words, mama," Jose points out and smirks, knowing his words were much less PG rated.

"I summed it up." Jose is glad when Brock smiles as well.

"I got mad, he was mad, we screamed. He said he can't stand my chaos and that my shit is reflecting badly on him, too. He said I'll ruin my career and he won't let me ruin his. That's when I threw my phone."

"He said, if I didn't want him, he'd leave and then he just walked out. I couldn't reach him, because he had no phone with him. I was freaking out, because he had no phone, no papers on him, nothing…" Brock takes a deep breath and holds Jose's hand tighter. "He was gone all night and the next day. He showed up before the meet and greet and did the show without talking to me. I thought we were done. We even had different seats on the flight back."

"I stayed with a friend, 'cause we were in Florida and then I was just too mad. Didn't wanna yell at him on the plane." Jose strokes his thumb over the back of Brock's hand. "When we were back in LA I got my shit taken care off, got my cards and ID and all, and then… then I asked him if he wanted me to move out, didn't know what to think."

"I had a panic attack when he said that. I couldn't reply, couldn't speak…"

"I knew that look and couldn't just leave him. Had to calm his ass down first so he could kick my unprofessional one out. He didn't. We sat down and talked… cried… talked some more."

"Yeah, there were a lot of fucking tears," Brock snorts, but his eyes are suspiciously wet again.

"What did you do then?"

"We made a list," Brock continues the tale after Laurie's question, "with all the things that didn't work on the tour and things that annoy us. And then we talked about it, one point after the next, exchanged the lists, like you showed us, and came up with solutions."

"What did you come up with?"

"Jose's finally got an assistant, one who doesn't work for his management, to take care of all the details, his diary, the bookings and also keeps him in line, makes sure he is on time, so I don't have to do it," Brock reports. "And I join him for the after show parties sometimes, because it's his way to cool down. And I try and relax a bit more, especially when it's his business, not mine."

"He's right, you know, I needed an assistant. She like Louise from St. Louis." Jose smiles and feels the excitement bubble up inside of him. "I'm gonna get her a purse for her birthday! A real designer one, like Carrie did!"

"What?" Laurie can't follow.

"He's talking about Sex and the City," Brock laughs. "And yeah, his assistant is pretty dope. I might fire Steve and steal her."

"Keep you nasty paws off my girl Tammy! She my dope ass assistant. You can keep the little one though. He in love with your ho ass anyway."

"Tammy is a single mother and has a two year old son, Jayden." Brock explains for their therapist. "He's too cute and when they come over and I am home, he follows me around the house like a little puppy." His boyfriend's pride about his connection to little J, warms big J's heart, even though he is a bit jealous that Brock's the favourite.

"Don't get no ideas, toes. Only furry kids for the both of us, you better remember that," he teases him.

"Definitely," Brock laughs out loud. "But he's cute, right?"

"You both cute," Jose kisses him, because he has to. He can't help himself.

"So, you fought, you talked about it once you calmed down and you found solutions?"

"And we analysed why we got so fucking mad!" Jose adds. "We have a weekly date now, Tammy put it in my calendar with an alarm and make sure I'm on time, and then we go out for lunch or dinner and talk about what we done to get on each other's nerves. We down to real stupid shit now: Close the toothpaste, forgot to brush the cat, forgot to reply to an email."

"That sounds like a very productive way to prevent another major fight." The doc compliments them and Jose hugs Brock's arm when he hears the praise. It gives him hope that they're not on the way to ruining everything again. "Just don't forget to enjoy moments together and compliment each other as well. Organisation is one thing, but expressing your feelings, your love and not just annoyance is crucial."

"I been complimenting him all night long when we made up." It's a joke and clears the air, but its's the truth at the same time. The make-up sex has been the most intense sexual experience Jose has ever had. The knowledge that they had made it back from the edge on their own and unscathed, without any new scars and with a game plan, had intensified everything. He feels his heart speed up just thinking about the way Brock had touched him and looked at him that night. But the sexiest thing had been his words. His praise, the declarations of love, the unfiltered stream of consciousness about how madly in love he is with Jose and how much their fight had scared him. Usually Jose is the vocal and emotional one, but that night a damn broke in the communication for Brock. Once he had started talking, it seemed like he couldn't stop, much to Jose's joy and pleasure.

"Alright then, do you feel you were able to resolve everything to do with the fight or is there something you want to talk about some more?"

"I'm good now." Jose says, still basking in the memory of their make up night.

"I'm too, just…" Brock starts. "I... why did this happen? Should it even happen? I'm shocked that it got this intense and we didn't stop it before."

"Brock, therapy is no guarantee that you won't fight or mess up. Hopefully, it will give you the tools to fix it and not let it break you. There might be set backs, but you're still here, right? You did that on your own. Didn't even need my help in the aftermath. Take that as a success, Brock, take confidence from the fact that you did this." Laurie encourages him and points to the both of them sitting closely together, holding hands.

"We not perfect, babe, but we not giving up," Jose speaks as well.

"We can't. We promised, right?" Brock looks at him with a small smile and wide eyes.

"You betcha."

"Beside the fight, you said you had a nice time in Canada?" Dr. Laurie asks them.

"I saw real high ass snow for the first time. That shit was taller than me! And I went skiing, mama and I ruled!" Brock bursts out laughing when he hears this. "What? I did! I went down them skiing streets like a bad ass motherfucker!"

"You went down the slopes alright. I am still surprised that you didn't break your neck or anyone else got hurt."

"Shut your whore mouth, Mr. 'that's too steep'."

"It was! It was like…I don't even know what to compare it to. My mom was white as a sheet when Jose made it down, hugged him tightly and said 'you really are fearless, darling'. He took it as a compliment, but then she took me aside and told me to never let him anywhere near ski ever again or she'd die of a heart attack."

"I was bad ass, you white people just can't take it!" He snarks.

"That's one way to interpret it."

"What your way?"

"You'll never get your car keys back and I'll never let you ride a bike or anything else that can reach a speed faster than jogging."

"Bitch, you lucky you cute!" Jose has to laugh because he knows that Brock is somewhat right about his skiing. He wasn't scared at all when he went down the hill, but he definitely had problems navigating. All he could do was not fall down and hope that no-one would get in the way - not that he would ever admit it.

"It was also the reason why he wasn't allowed on a horse of his own when we went horseback riding one afternoon." Brock goes on.

"Bitches wouldn't even let me on the kiddie pony that belongs to his seven year old niece." He grumbles.

"You got to ride with me."

"I get to ride you all the time." Vanjie enters the therapy session for a moment and Brock cracks up again, his laughter loud, high-pitched and with more than one snort in between.

"Not what I meant, papi, but you're definitely right."

"So you had a nice time with your family?"

"They real nice, even though I fucked up a couple of times. Lost track of the kids at some point cause there're too many. But his mama's real nice and they all made me feel welcome. It was good."

"Yeah, it really was. I think that was the nicest visit home I've ever had. Having Jose there made me loosen up and I could suddenly talk openly to my brother and my other sister. We found some common ground and topics to talk about other than the weather. My sister would probably divorce her husband and marry him if she could, he charmed her so much." Brock pulls him against his side again, keeps his arm around Jose's shoulder.

"I'm charming." He feels really cute saying it, knowing that Brock thinks the same.

"You definitely are." The compliment lights up Jose's face. "But it was also nice to just spend some time together, away from everything. We went on walks in the snow and just talked or hung out. That was nice."

"He surprised me with a weekend at a spa while we there. Got massages and slurped bubbly in the hot tub… Now we planning a vacation for his birthday. Some real romantic shit."

"You'll make sure of it. Just put a beach in there and I'm good," Brock agrees again. "Oh, and before I forget: I talked to my mom as well while we were there."

"How did it go?"

"He did good. They both did. Like good little white people: No yelling, no cursing, no threats. Just talking and a few tears," Jose compares the talk to the one with his mother.

"And Jose channelled his inner therapist and moderated the talk. It was good, I'm glad we had it."

"Next I'm coming for your gig, mama," Jose tells Laurie and crosses his legs, mirroring her pose. "Imma sit right there on that armchair with ya little pen in hand, scribbling away saying 'all you hos have to talk or Imma whoop your asses'." His very own way of therapy shines through and makes them all laugh.

"Very nice try, but I hope that's not how I am conducting my business here."

"That's the Miss Vanjie therapy for all them hungry drag children out there.Get this therapy, get this therapy."

"Jose, I can honestly say that no one makes me laugh as hard during their therapy sessions as you do. And I mean that as a compliment."

"Hear that? I'm funny!" he turns to Brock, flushed because of the compliment.

"I know that, boo," Brock laughs again.

"Now, I think we should end this session here on this note."

"No game today?" Jose asks, disappointed.

"Still not games, Jose, but we can do another exercise if you want to."

"I do!"

"Alright. You're going to close your eyes and then I am asking you something and you visualise it in your head and then describe what you're seeing and how it makes you feel, ok?"

"I'm ready!" Jose has already closed his eyes and is leaning comfortably against Brock.

"Me too," the blonde man chuckles at his boyfriend's enthusiasm and places a kiss on his hair, before he closes his eyes as well.

"Describe your favorite photo of your partner." Doctor Laurie says. "Jose, do you want to start?"

"Ok, flipping past the nudes and sexy things," he smirks. "My favorite picture of you is the one that was taken at Nina's birthday when we came out after nearly fucking in the kitchen. I was so embarrassed when these bitches all yelled and laughed and you wrapped me in your arms and held me. You look so happy with your head thrown back, laughing and you sexy as hell in your white shirt and… I remember feeling so happy that we made up after that fight and so proud cause you came and talked to me… that the moment I really knew we could make it, like really longterm." Jose says, smiling happily as he sees the picture in front of his eyes.

"Thank you Jose. Brock?"

"In my favorite photo of you, you're asleep," Brock starts.

"'Course I am, so I don't run my mouth." Brock pinches him lightly in the arm and then places his hand over Jose's mouth, finds it without opening his eyes.

"In the picture you're asleep, your head leaning against the grid of the cat cage at the vet's after Henry's surgery. I remember that I couldn't believe my eyes that you had not only talked your way into this room, but fell asleep against Henry's cage so he wouldn't be alone. I looked at you and I didn't think it was possible to love anyone more than I loved you in that moment. That's why I took the picture, so I could keep the moment with me." Brock opens his eyes, takes his hand off Jose's mouth and kisses him gently, while his eyes are still closed.

"We weren't back together back then, and I thought you were mad about me not taking good care of the kitty cats."

"You took such good care of them, still do. And I loved you then and love you now."

"Same amount or less? More? Gimme some numbers, mama!" Jose says mischievously, cocking his head to the side.

"Asshole!" Brock tells him, but doesn't resist when Jose pulls his head down and kisses him again.

**TBC**


	12. All hell breaks lose

**Chapter 12: All hell breaks lose**

As Brock sits down in his usual place, he takes a moment to analyse how different it feels to be back at the therapist's office compared to just a week ago. Last week he was scared that Laurie would tell them that the fight they had while on tour, was an indicator that therapy wasn't working and that they wouldn't make it. He was really worried about that, even though he knew that there was no way he would give up on their relationship no matter what the good doctor said.

Maybe that's the difference, he muses while Jose chatters away about something or other with their counsellor. Before, he gave up on them without even fighting and this time he knows he will do whatever it takes to make it work, to make them work. He knows now what it is like to be without Jose, to watch him from afar and has experienced what it feels like to see him date and hook up with others. He doesn't want to go back to it. More surprisingly, neither does he want to go back and date or hook up with others either. He simply lacks the desire to do so, can't even imagine kissing or making out with someone else.

Jose is familiar and comfortable and trustworthy. With him he can simply be himself without any pretences. And yet, it's still exciting and arousing and never boring. Brock didn't know it could feel this way. Or that he could love anyone this way.

"Brock?" Jose snaps him out of his thoughts by calling his name and swatting his knee.

"Huh?"

"'Huh', he says. You present or you left your ears at home today?" Jose teases him by gently pulling on his left ear and makes him roll his eyes.

"Sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked if you are willing to start with a word association exercise today," Dr. Laurie repeats her question.

"Yes, sure." He doesn't really know what that is, but he is willing to try.

"I'm going to give you words now and I want each of you to say the first thing that comes to your mind. Don't hesitate, don't think, just speak."

"At the same time?" Jose sounds confused.

"Yes."

"How you gonna hear what he sayin'? He all quiet and shit."

"I think we will manage as long as you don't yell. Your normal voice is actually not that much louder than Brock's." The expression on Laurie's face looks suspiciously like a smirk.

"Right, right. Fire away, doc!" Brock has to chuckle about Jose's enthusiasm. He loves, what he calls, 'the games', because he is still convinced that they can actually score points, if they are doing well. They have discussed this at length at home and at one point Brock asked him why he was never into competitive team sports, because it sounds like he would excel at it. Jose's answer, that he had tried but had been too competitive and was disqualified for getting angry with his teammates as a kid, had provided him with countless stories of that time, which were great entertainment.

"Alright, first word is: Drag!"

"Coins" - "Self-Expression". Both answers are audible and Brock and Jose exchange an amused look about how different they are.

"Commitment!" "Loyalty" - "Relationship".

"Dance!" They are given their next word. "Hard work" - "Fun". Again their answers kind of clash and they both smirk.

"Brooke Lynn!" Laurie says next. "Beauty" - "Ho" This time they all full on laugh.

"Brock!" "Relaxation" - "Home". Jose's association gives Brock pause, the amusement in his eyes replaced by tenderness. He can't help himself, he quickly pulls Jose close by his shoulders and kisses him for a second.

"Vanjie!" "Crazy" - "Energy" They are not too far apart with their answers this time.

"Jose!" "Me" - "Mine". Brock can't believe what just came out of his mouth. He didn't even know he thought that way until this moment.

"Getting possessive now, boo?" Jose is teasing, but he looks more than a bit pleased with Brock's answer. "Vanjie might still be selling that tracking device on her homepage, if you need one for me." He laughs and rests his cheek against Brock's shoulder. His brown eyes are sparkling up at Brock and distract him from his puzzling reply. When Jose puckers his lips and asks for a kiss, he obliges gladly.

"Ice cream!" "Chocolate" - "Vanilla"

"Knew your white ass was gonna say that."

"Vacation!" "Beach" - "Chillin'"

"Pets!" "Cats and Riley" - "Riley and them kitty cats"

"Your relationship!" "Love" - "Contentment"

"Who that?"

"What contentment?" Brock asks.

"Yeah, isn't that like, real boring? Like 'yeah, that's kinda fine-ish'."

"What's fine-ish?" Brock chuckles.

"Fine with an -ish. And don't play dumb, I know you just don't wanna answer why you picked that lame ass word."

"It's not a lame ass word. Contentment is like... happiness and satisfaction, comfort and pleasure all in one," Brock explains.

"We gonna look that word up when we get home, bitch, cause that ain't what I'm thinking when I hear it."

"It's not about the exact definition, Jose, but more about what Brock associates with it. If he associates all these words with contentment then that says a lot, don't you think?" Laurie helps him out, before Jose can go and google the exact definition and then grill him about it.

"You like our relationship then?" his boyfriend concludes after thinking about it for a second. Now he looks smug, which is better and a lot cuter than the mixture of disapproval and disappointment from before.

"You really need me to answer that, papi?" He raises both eyebrows.

"Nah, I know you love my crazy ass."

"Not only your ass." Brock can't help himself and laughs when Jose blushes like a schoolgirl and slaps his arm.

"You so bad, ho. So bad!"

"Ok, thank you. Are you ready for the real session now?" Laurie interrupts their flirting.

"Always Dr. Laurie. That what we here for."

"What are we gonna talk about today?" Brock wonders.

"I thought maybe we could pick your story back up from the moment you moved in together, until the moment you walked into my office?"

"You ok with that?" Jose turns to him, because he, of course, knows that the first part of that talk gave Brock a lot of anxiety and was especially hard on him.

"Yeah, sure." He really is this time, because they made it safely through the first part. Also the second part finally leads to a happy ending, judging by the fact that they are both sitting here and have overcome a lot of problems since then.

"Who wants to start?"

"You did last time. Want me to go ahead?" Jose offers.

"Go for it." He nods his head and leans into the peck Jose gives him, before he relaxes against the backrest of the sofa and gets ready to listen.

"From when I moved in, right?" Laurie nods as an answer to Jose's question. "He kinda offered and I said yes to the room and the cats. I don't even remember where I was, but when I got back to L.A. Silky helped me move in to Brock's house and bring all the shit I had stored at my mamma's place. Brock wasn't home, cause he was on tour. Or filming?" Jose looks at Brock questioningly, but he doesn't remember either and just shrugs. "Silks was worried about me and asked, if I really wanted to move in with you 'cause he knew I was still in love with you. Told him I was sure, but I really wasn't. Couldn't stop myself though. Oh and did I tell you that he wanted to snoop around the house and check your drawers in the bedroom?" Jose remembers and laughs.

"Remind me to kick his ass next time I see him." Brock snorts.

"Don't worry child, your dirty secrets are save. I stopped him." Jose giggles and knows exactly what Silky would have found in the bedside drawers.

"You know I really don't care, right?" Brock finally points out, because he really doesn't. "Especially because big Silks wouldn't even know what half of that stuff even is."

"How'd you know that?" Jose looks curious.

"Because I remember two certain idiots doing a live at a sex shop once, buying stuff and then having to ask Chris what the fuck they even bought and how to use it. Experts on sex toys you two are certainly not." Brock can't help but laugh about it. "No matter how much Silks says he's fucking trade."

"Hey!" Jose blushes again. "I know what that shit in our bedroom is."

"Now you do," Brock gives him a pointed look.

"Shiiit…" Jose gasps quietly, his mind obviously going to the times when Brock showed him exactly what these things were for. He is bright red, eyes are wide and his mouth tries to form words, but his brain can't. Brock knows he has basically fried his boyfriend's brain with the mental images. He feels so hot and powerful that he wishes they could just leave now. It's not possible though. It takes Jose a minute or two to get a grip, but then his brain starts working again. "Where was I?" he finally asks, when he has a semblance of control back.

"You moving in," Laurie helps Jose out and bites her lip. Brock is sure, she is trying very hard not laugh about the things she just heard. Brock wouldn't mind at all, but Jose would most likely be embarrassed about it, if he realised they just discussed using sex toys with an audience.

"Right, so I was at the house all alone until Christmas. We talked on the phone. First like every couple of days and then every day… we also texted. It felt good and we got close again, 'cause we didn't really talk anymore before then. You were all up in my messages and it wasn't only me . I tried to not annoy you with calling all the time and shit, but you facetimed me. I mean, we talked basically every day, about everything, our days, drag, the pets, the house, our schedules. But when you got back I didn't know if you wanted to see me. You never said anything about me staying longer or so. So I stuck by the agreement and moved my ass back out." Jose leans forward and takes a sip of the coffee he brought.

"I wanted… like… fuck, I wanted more and I wanted to surprise you and so I made the stockings all sparkly and decorated everything, bought a tree… I wanted to be there and celebrate with you, but you never said anything and I wrote the stupid poem and left. Just couldn't take my boxes because they didn't all fit. I went to my mom's and spent all day in bed because you didn't say nothing. I knew you was back, but you didn't call, didn't text… only when you texted me that pic of the stockings you made, I knew you weren't sick of me yet." Jose shrugs his shoulders. Brock's chest hurts when he is reminded how much they hurt each other without meaning to.

"Then I came back and we went furniture shopping and then… you know what happened. First day together in one house and bam, we end up fucking on the couch."

"That we then got rid off," Brock remembers with a smile.

"Yeah." Jose smiles as well. "You had to leave again and left me alone with that whole ass mess with boxes of furniture everywhere. We didn't talk about shit and I was freaking out. I didn't wanna go back to just hooking up, 'specially 'cause we were kind of sharing a house, I wanted to stay but I didn't think you'd want to go from hook-ups to living together as boyfriends." Now that Jose says it like this, it actually sounds kind of weird, but it never felt weird for Brock.

"When you texted and later called and we just talked again… I was so happy you liked my surprise and you made me and Riley stockings. You know I cried about that."

"Yeah, I could hear it in your voice that night. You were pretty emotional."

"We were apart again and then Henry got sick. Lord, I've never felt so panicked. I was worried about our little man and I thought you'd hate me cause I didn't look after him right. You trusted me with your babies and I fucked it up."

Brock knows he is not supposed to say anything, but he has to interrupt him. "Jose, we've talked about this so many times and every time I tell you it wasn't your fault and every time you don't believe me. What do I have to do so you get it into your thick head that none of it was your fault. You did everything you could and you helped him and he's fine now."

"What if he wasn't? Would you still say this, if he'd died?" Jose asks him, eyes wide and scared. "'Cause I think, you'd have kicked me out of the house faster than I could have said 'Sorry boo'."

"No! Absolutely not!" Brock feels himself getting upset and angry. He can't prove right what he's saying, because - thank god- Henry was fine, but he still needs Jose to believe him. "I love my cats, you know that. But I also love you and I know you and there was never any doubt in my mind that you'd never intentionally harm them or neglect them and that's really all you can do. I wanted you in my life back then, was already head over heels for you and nothing would have changed that. We went through so much shit together and because of each other and nothing ever changed what I feel for you. I mean, here we are, together and stronger than ever. I hurt you, you hurt me and still, it didn't change a fucking thing. So no, like, with 1000 percent certainty, I would not have kicked you out." They stare at each other, Brock angry and hopeful, Jose sceptical but touched. Neither says anything.

"Jose, can you continue?" Laurie speaks up when the silence lasts for too long.

"Yeah, sure, doc," he mumbles and takes a deep breath. "That night when you held me and told me the stuff you just told me again. You know that was the first time we spent the night together in one bed since the breakup? I mean, we fucked before, but we never slept in one bed. We never woke up together. And you know how much I like our sexy times, but that morning…that's what I wanted, you know? Like more than fucking. Just us, together in one house, being a couple, sharing a bed, cuddling, waking up together…We did the other stuff later. And then things got weird 'cause I didn't want you looking after Riley, cause I was scared that you didn't want any of it. I was scared that we were just playing house and I wanted it, but you just wanted to fool around. And then you left again… then I left again, we didn't talk about shit."

"Ain't that the truth," Brock sighs deeply.

"You gave me the full boyfriend fantasy again when you picked me up at the airport with Riley. Only thing missing were roses or balloons. And then we nearly spent all day in bed and you were acting all cute at your birthday party, keeping me close and kissing me and like… yeah, I believed that you wanted the same thing I did. I woke up the next morning, came downstairs and heard you saying that shit to Steve… and thought that was just fucking karma for letting me fall into the same trap again. I had to leave Brock, I couldn't stay there and be sucked back in. I was just… I was done." Jose's eyes are brimming with tears.

"Can't we stop here?" Brock asks Laurie, because he feels like he can't do this anymore. Why do they have to relive all this when they are just fine now?

"No, I'm good, boo, I promise," Jose sniffs and wipes his eyes, before he takes Brock's hand and takes it into both of his. The warmth of his skin is calming. "We fought when I got back and you were there. You made us talk, so you kinda took the first step and that let me know that you wanted me back. We fought, I pushed you and then we made up. And you offered to come to therapy to make us work and I know how much you hate talking about your shit and how anxious it makes you. You mademe feel all kinds of stuff by saying you'd do therapy with me. Got me feelin' some typa way." He turns to Laurie. "And here we are doc." Jose turns back to Brock and gently pecks his lips. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I am. I guess I'm just getting angry when I think about all the times we wanted the exact same thing, but were too fucking stupid to just sit down and talk about it. I knew like six months after break up that I wanted you back. And what did I do? Nothing! Just fucked us both over with randomly hooking up… All because I was too fucking scared of commitment and losing my so called freedom, that really doesn't mean shit when you're not there and hating me." Brock gets more and more agitated, his heart is beating against his chest and his voice cracks because he can barely breathe.

"You listen to me, B?" Jose asks him and frames his face with his hands. He nods, anger still cursing through his veins. "We both idiots, we both fucked up. Stop being angry about it. We can't change that shit anymore. Got me?" Jose raises one eyebrow and purses his lips. The unnerved expression on his face amuses Brock and the anger melts away.

"Yes, papi." He nods and takes a deep breath.

"Brock, can you tell your side of the story?"

"I like… I think it's pretty much the same. Like each time we had sex,I wanted more but we both didn't say anything. Then one of us had to leave and, like, I wanted you back, but you weren't acting like I expected. You kept your distance to not make me run and I was confused because you were so distant and it made me doubt if you'd give me another chance. Like with Riley, or when you didn't text when we were apart or when you believed that I wanted you out of the house… looking for a new apartment without saying anything…I hurt you so much and I didn't understand you, because I didn't know you really. But I know you now and I understand you and I love you so much. And I still don't wanna fuck this up. But, like, I get now that as long as we talk, even if it means we fight for a bit, in the long run it'll be all good."

"Yeah, I think so, too. We gonna be ok."

"You know, I didn't say anything, but, uhm, when you decided against the video in the end, and with the announcement we made… I was wondering again." Brock admits his latest fuck up in communication.

"Brock, what do you mean?" Laurie asks.

"Remember when that asshole put our business all over the internet and we decided we'd do a video to tell our side and how we back together and all?" Jose is quicker than him. 

"Yes, the dancer who informed your fans that you are back together and posted pictures of your house, right?"

"Yup, that the one. We played it like it was some kinda joke. Then went all sneakily to them lawyers and scared the crap out of the traitor asshole."

"Why weren't you honest? You still went on tour together."

"Official story was that the whole stunt was just promo for the tour we were booked on together." Brock supplies.

"I was scared… I didn't trust that we'd make it and didn't want to get my heart broken in public again," Jose stops Laurie when she just wants to say something.

"You still didn't trust me?"

"Didn't trust us, Brock. One of us always fucked up. I kept quiet about that shit, you kept quiet about being pissed about it." Jose points out and rightfully so. "But we made it through the tour all alone even though we fought, we had more sessions, talked about the heavy shit. But I trust us now."

"I do, too. I trust us."

"Wanna shoot a little video?" Jose smiles.

"Now? We're still in therapy," Brock laughs, feeling lighter than ever. Even what he felt when he walked into the session today, doesn't compare.

"Doctor Laurie, are we done yet?" Jose gives her his most charming smile.

"If you want to shoot the video here and now, go ahead. I only have one condition," the therapist smiles.

"And what would that be?"

"That you are yourself in the video, no hiding behind Vanjie or Brooke and you'll be honest about everything. If you can do that, go ahead, I'll even film. If you can't, then you will have to wait until the session is over." All it takes is one exchange of looks and then Jose hands his cellphone over to Laurie, unlocked and ready.

"Light's dope in here," he points out.

"Are we really doing this? Without a script or anything?" Brock giggles, strangely excited about it.

"You really think I can read a fucking script?" Jose laughs out loud.

"Fine, no script. Got any last words of wisdom for us?" Brock asks their therapist.

"Just speak from the heart," she shrugs and gets the camera ready.

"You really wanna do this?" Brock asks Jose again, he can't help it. Jose gives him his reply by pulling him towards him and kissing him softly.

"Start rollin', Laurie," he says then and they adjust their positions on the couch. "You start?" he asks Brock and bumps his shoulder against his.

"You start?" Brock laughs and bumps back.

"Alright," Jose smirks at him, then turns towards the camera and Laurie. "Hi everyone, look who is here!" he points at Brock who waves at the camera. "And child, you won't believe where we at. 'Cause we, Brock and me are here on this dope ass couch in our therapist's office." Jose's voice remains soft and doesn't stray into Vanjie territory. It gives Brock the confidence to speak up as well.

"Yeah, children, you heard right, he said 'therapist'." Brock confirms. "And we have something to tell you beside our whereabouts."

"We wanted to tell you that me and my mans here are back together.

"Have been for a while now. What's it been, papi? Nine months?"

"Nearly ten," Jose nods. "And we didn't plan on keeping it a secret or nothing and didn't wanna lie, but we had some stuff to sort out on our own."

"Before the tour someone basically outed us, well, not like that, but you know…. I'm sure you all saw the video."

"Little fucker." Jose doesn't hide his anger and Brock wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him close.

"We really didn't want to lie to you, especially with the tour and everything, but that video was made without our consent and we needed more time."

"I know y'all saw us flirting and kissing on camera before and everything, but we only gonna say this once and then we gonna shut up about it. We back together, we in love and we been living together for a while. He my man, I'm his and we exclusive."

"So please, accept it, respect our privacy and don't try digging up any dirt. We're not perfect, we have bad days and we have our issues, but that doesn't mean that we want to be analysed twenty four seven. Please keep your opinions and judgement to yourself. As Jo said, we love each other and we're happy. Very happy." Brock smiles widely at his boyfriend as their eyes meet.

"Y'all get yourself a man or a woman and thenfind a dope ass therapist to go through all of your shit, cause it really helps. We going back to our session now to talk some more. Just… yeah, get used to us being all over each other's social media now. Oh and stop sending my man dick pics or I'll hunt you down! I know who you fuckers are." Jose glares at the camera but then turns his head when Brock starts giggling. "What?" he asks him.

"Just… is this really what you wanna talk about in our video about being back together? Some random dick pics?" Jose is really unbeliveable, his mind all over the place and so far away from the heartfelt video Brock had in mind. 

"Gotta have priorities. And you mine now, you said it yourself!"

"Hey, you're mine as well, so what about the dick pics you get sent?" Brock teases.

"I ain't looking at no dick pics other than yours, idiot," Jose huffs and rolls his eyes. "I know the good D when I see it, don't need no other."

"There you go, you big romantic, now we can stop the video." Brock laughs, no idea how they ended up discussing his privates once more.

"Roman… gimme a kiss at least to feed the children."

"If I have to," Brock teases, pulls him close and kisses him as passionately as he dares. They are both flushed and breathing hard, once they break the kiss.

"Guess I can stop the video now or you want to continue?" their therapist laughs and they both join in. Then the video ends.

They don't cut or edit anything. Instead they upload it, just like that, and all hell breaks loose on social media.

**TBC**


	13. The Branjie phenomenon

**Chapter 13: The Branjie phenomenon**

Dr. Bernard flips through the client's file, a small smile on her face before she goes back to the evolution sheet she always fills out and keeps first in each patient's folder. She doesn't necessarily need to read it again as preparation, because she remembers the case well.It's been a while though since they've been in in person, and also it's quite fun to look back.

 **Name(s):** Brock H./ Jose C.

 **presenting issues:** Communication problems, trust issues

 **perceived issues:** B: Anxiety/ panic attacks/ depression (diagnosed, m: Xanax - stop 4 months into t), ADHD (diagnosed, m: Adderall), low self-esteem, perfectionism, insomnia; Addictions: Nicotine/ Xanax

J: ADHD (diagnosed, M: Dexdrine) linked lack of impulse control, distraction, mood swings, aggression; low self-esteem: overcompensation in various ways; fear of loss, possible dyslexia (no testing done) Addictions: drug use ?, Nicotine

**Summary:**

  1. **Session observations:** B lacks basic information about J's past. Neither able to fully open up
  2. **Session observations:** Lack of basic communication on both sides. Rely on "roles". Able to open up to each other only when prompted.
  3. **Session observations:** B severe anxiety, treatment with Xanax- possible addiction
  4. **Session observations:** Hold on to pre-conceived role ideas in their relationship.Fall back on dysfunctional coping strategiesin stressful situations
  5. **Session observations:** J starts voicing his opinion in an appropriate manner. No anger.
  6. **Session observations:** Back to the "calm" and "rowdy" roles. Adjust under guidance
  7. **Session observations:** Power equilibrium reached. J is able to calm B down, B accepts help. J emotionally more mature/self-aware than B
  8. **Session observations:** Both much more in tune, communicate both verbally and non-verbally. B able to open up. Sex less used as avoidance/ substitute for verbal communication.
  9. **Session observations:** J stopped hiding and confronted issues in his past, B fully acts as a partner
  10. **Session observations:** Hit first roadblock, managed to work it out on their own. Confidence shaken at first. However both willing to work on their relationship. Break-up perceived as unbearable.
  11. **Session observations:** Routine in communication, develop own strategies, stopped hiding from problems (fans). 
  12. **Session observations:** Last session before break, no issues, stable routines set - check up in 1 year, if not needed beforehand.



She flips through the next pages and the more detailed protocols, and has to laugh when she remembers the many funny moments during their sessions specifically. Next a couple of postcards fall out and she turns them around to read them.

_Dear Doctor L!_

_Hope you're not missing us too much, but we're having a great time in Aruba. We so fucking tan now - even B's not looking all milky anymore. See ya when we get back. Next stop: Romancing in Paris - J_

_Hello Laurie,_

_greetings from Paris! As I am writing this I am eating my second croissant of the day while Jose enjoys his cafe au lait and tries speaking French with the waiter. If there are any drops on the card, they're my tears of laughter. Au revoir- Brock_

_P.S: As if this bitch knows how to speak any French- I'm the bilingual speaking ho - not him! Miss ya! J_

_Hey Doc,_

_it's been a minute and we just wanted to say hi. We're in Toronto right now and B is filming atm, while I'm waiting for my guest-judging. He was all anxious again, but managed to calm down when I talked to him. I think that's the real reason why I'm here. We back in LA in July. Hope you're well. Maybe we could FaceTime soon? Have to go now - set call. J_

_Dear Laurie,_

_just wanted to let you know that we haven't forgotten about the upcoming appointment. We're currently in London on tour so we'll let our assistants take care of scheduling. In the envelope you find two tickets to our show in LA. We'd love to see you there. All the best from Brock and Jose (Who is currently jet-lagged and snoozing away even though it's four in the afternoon)_

Laurie saw the show and loved it. She now totally understands the fascination the fans have with the two of them. For her it is different though, because she knows the moments behind the scenes when no camera is present. She has the exclusive glimpses behind the facade and notices the small things that no fan would know to look for.

She knows that when Brock pulls Jose close on stage, both of them laughing and joking, and Jose steps closer to him, slings his arms around his waist to hold him tight, that not too long ago Brock was hurt by Jose side-stepping him, not paying attention and not really meaning anything with the hugs. It was an attempt to protect himself from his tactile ex-boyfriend while they were broken up, but Brock noticed and hurt because of it. And now, each time Jose reciprocates Brock basks in the attention and the knowledge that he has his affection utterly and completely.

She also knows that when a video pops up, showing Jose jumping on stage from the audience at a club, while Brock is on stage with a couple of other drag queens, being teased about the two of them and their therapy, it's not just for fun or because Jose wants to go full Vanjie on his colleagues. The show is great, the audience howls with laughter and so do the other queens. But Laurie can see that Brock was seconds away from a panic attack on stage and Jose's only intend behind going on stage was to calm him down. All it took was taking his hand and a couple of words that aren't caught by the mics and the tension leaves Brock's shoulders, his breathing slows and the frozen smile is replaced by a more relaxed one.

She has also checked out the pictures and live videos they posted. Not because she needs to, they tell her all about it, but because she wants to know what they show to the public. She is still surprised by the mixture of absolute madness and fun, and glimpses into their life so raw they make even her tear up.

**_Instastory: bhytes_ **

"I wanna go bungee jumping now. You think I can?" Jose slurs, lying in a hospital bed, still dressed in a hospital gown, machines all around him.

"Papi, you should at least wait until you're dressed and your butt is no longer hanging out," Brock's voice can be heard.

"What if my knee falls off?"

"It won't. They fixed it, right?"

"We in hospital?"

"Yes, you just got out of surgery, boo."

"There's something sticking outta my leg." Jose tries to sit up and pulls on the tube. The camera shakes and then Brock's hand can be seen on top of Jose's, holding it still.

"It's the drainage. Lay back down, babe. It needs to stay in for now." Jose lays back down and Brock moves his hand to his face, cups his cheek and runs his thumb over Jose's eyebrows. His eyes fall shut. "Go back to sleep."

"You gonna stay? You be here when I wake up?" It's barely audible.

"Of course."

"Mm..'kay. Love you."

"Love you, too.

_End of video_

**_instastory asiaohara_ **

"Look who's here. Hey whatcha doing?" Jose and Brock can be seen sitting next to each other at a make-up table in a dressing room. Both in tights, make-up on their faces and wig cap on, but shirtless.

"We making a list," Jose says without looking up. Brock just keeps scribbling away and Jose reads along, then grabs a pen and adds something as well.

"What kind of list? Booze for tonight? Positions you wanna try?"

"Oh shut up," Brock looks up, laughs. "It's a pro con list."

"Oh my god! Are you thinking about breaking up again!"

"Yo! You better watch your mouth, mama! There ain't gonna be no break-up, you hear me, bitch!" Jose clearly isn't amused. Brock places his hand on his back.

"We're trying to decide, if we want to take out a wall in our new house or not. I'm against it, Jo wants to do it, so we're making a list," Brock explains.

"And it looks like I'm winning." Jose smiles widely.

"Sure looks like you do. Even though this is not about winning."

"You gonna make the call, loser?!" Jose giggles, clearly teasing.

"If you stop gloating."

"Fine." Jose kisses Brock quickly and hands him his phone.

"Alright, let's call Mr. Gorbachev and tell him to 'tear down this wall'"

"Who that is, Mr. Gorascho? I thought the contractor's name was Tony? And why you saying it like this? This some kind of messed up impersonation?"

Brock laughs loudly. "Either that or you really sucked in history class. Let's find out later. I have a call to make" Brock walks off and loud laughter can be heard from off-screen, as Jose throws his pen after Brock, missing him by a mile.

_The video ends._

**_instastory vanessavanjie_ **

Jose is sitting on a chair in what appears to be a waiting room. He looks tired, large bags under his eyes and his crutches are leaning against the wall beside his chair. The grey T-shirt he is wearing is wrinkled, his hair all over the place.

"Hey y'all. Uhm, I just wanted to let you know that we real sorry we can't be at Dragcon this year. We wanted to be there and I promise we'll try and make it up to you in some way. But, uhh…" His voice cracks and he rubs his eyes, trying not to cry. "Brock caught pneumonia and we at the hospital. We thought they'd just give him some meds and shit, but they admitted him last night. Right now he's asleep and his fever is down a little bit. But he still very sick and, uh, like… I don't know when they'll let him out. We still waiting for some tests and… I just hope he gonna be ok, because none of the doctors can give us much info right now. I'll try and keep you updated, but I've got to be with my man right now." Jose loses the fight against the tears and the video ends.

**_instalive bhytes_ **

"Hiii, hello everyone" Brock is lying on a dark blue sofa, blankets pilled on top of him and two cats are snuggled up to him. "Thank you all so much for all the well wishes and cards and flowers! Yes, I'm finally out of hospital and at home. I'm still very tired and not allowed to do much." A woman walks into the frame, carrying a cup of tea and a sandwich. "Thank you!" Brock tells her and takes a sip of the tea. "Yes, that was Jo's mom. She's staying with us at the moment and helps us out. Jose still needs the crutches after his knee surgery and I'm stuck on the couch or in bed, so yeah. It's not ideal. Oh, where Jose is? He's in the shower. He just got back from physical therapy. So yeah, I just wanted to say hi and let you all know I'm better." He starts coughing. "And I better end this now. See ya!" _End of video_

Laurie vividly remembers Jose's frustration about his knee surgery and Brock's attempts to be supportive and help him with his fears and frustration when the recovery didn't go as he wanted to. And when Brock caught pneumonia shortly after, Jose pushed everything back and spent day and night by his side at the hospital. From what they told her, it had been pretty touch and go for a couple of days when the antibiotics didn't work at first.

Afterwards, Brock joked that at least now he's quit smoking for good, because not being able to breathe was a feeling he doesn't want to revisit.

She also remembers the small spats they had about the house they bought, the decorations and renovations.

They facetime her once a month and usually she's just sitting there, watching them talk. They mainly use the time to face problems and address difficult topics, but they don't need her anymore to resolve anything. Last time she talked to them they were in Australia, promoting some kind of show there.

She flips another couple of pages and reaches the protocol-sheet for the one year check up, which they will have in a couple of minutes. Depending on what they are comfortable with this could very well be their last session. As always before therapy sessions she already fills out what she knows.

**Name:** Brock H./ Jose C.

 **Topic:** one year check up

 **Status:** Still together. Largely improved communication and information. Overall more mature and good use of strategies and tools given in sessions. Anxiety (B) manageable, aggression and dependency (J) normal level.

 **Further recommendations:** None. Whatever they are doing seems to work for them - exact definition of what that is not possible. No technical term comes to mind. (Study with their consent? Working title: the Branjie phenomenon.)

 **Detailed session observation:** ….

The door flies open and Jose and Brock walk in hand in hand, and Laurie closes the folder.

"Doctor Laurie! We missed you!" Jose exclaims and a second later she is wrapped up in a hug by both of them, which is, of course, totally unprofessional. 'Branjie', she thinks and smiles as long as they can't see it. Then she pulls back, her face showing a friendly but aloof expression.

"Jose, Brock, it's good to see you. You do know though, that I am still your therapist and not a friend, right?" Here we go again…

**The end**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting!


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